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Showing posts with label alter personalities. Show all posts
Showing posts with label alter personalities. Show all posts

Who is This? Why do Such Things?

‘Kelly’s trashing the house,’ Rachel a ‘protector’ told me. ‘She is, she’s just trashing everything. She’s nuts. You don’t want to talk to her.’

‘Protectors’ in Kelly’s system often seemed to start out in a semi-protective role, then to degrade into parts resembling Marta. They seemed to appear after a prolonged session where Marta and Kelly were alone, which I believed involved deep hypnosis.

‘If Kelly does something like that, there’s always a reason,’ I cautioned.

‘The beds, furniture, everything, all over the floor. Enough. Stop her,’ said Rachel.

I had been away the previous evening, during which Marta had apparently taken advantage of the situation. It was often hard to tell whether there had been a full ritual meeting, or a smaller session involving a few men. Perhaps it was one man being sent to Kelly’s house, with instructions to play a tape of Marta’s hypnotic voice, after which Kelly would find it hard to talk about anything at all.

Kelly came online and we exchanged a few words. ‘Bathroom, brb,’ she said. ‘I did not fall’ she wrote when she returned. ‘I just thought you might worry if I was a little while, that I might have fallen. But I didn’t fall so that’s OK. I am fine.’

Whenever Kelly said ‘I am fine’ or ‘I am OK’, I went into alert mode as invariably it meant the opposite and she did not want me to worry.

‘Kelly tripped over some rubbish in the passageway, fell and banged her head,’ explained Rachel typing some question marks.

‘Hi,’ I wrote. ‘How are you?’

‘I'm Casey,’ came the reply. ‘I’m 13, and I get in a lot of trouble at school.’

We talked for quite a while and Kelly did not return. Rachel became impatient when another youngster came through and I talked with her also. ‘Are you having fun with this?’ Rachel demanded. ‘Pretending you are 16 and all this rubbish. What good will this do?’

‘They want someone to listen to them’ I replied. I was getting background information which was fitting into the picture like a huge jigsaw section.

‘Are you nuts?’ said Rachel. ‘No’ I replied. ‘Are you?’ Several so-called ‘protectors’ took this line with me over time. Mediation and patience are not my strong points.

‘Kelly is trashing this place, really turning it over, and you are wasting time with these young ones. What good will that do?’

‘I think it will help them and I believe it will help Kelly. She is trashing the place because someone tells her she is trash and everything she touches will be trash’ I wrote. Rachel went quiet.

I agreed with my new young friends that we could exchange emails if they wanted. Without going into detail or revealing what they told me as secrets, it appeared that Marta was known to Kelly, or Casey, many years before. Marta was older and a big influence in their lives, to my way of thinking not a good one. Now she was back causing havoc in Kelly’s life, but Kelly knew nothing of an earlier association: Just a vague memory of an older girl near her home with the name Marta.

Casey was a young, vulnerable, impressionable girl of 13 when she was befriended by this older woman. There were other teenagers in Kelly’s small DID system, but here I describe experiences from that period as Casey’s. If one of these young personalities reads this, I hope they understand that I have not told their secrets.

Casey looked on Marta as the sort of mother or older sister that she secretly wanted. Marta appears to have taken advantage of that vulnerability. Casey could be encouraged with a little monetary handout to get drunk with Marta’s male friends at small gatherings, or at full-scale adult parties where she was told she did not have to be involved in everything.

Eventually Casey and the other teenager/s began to say they were uneasy about Marta and some things they were made to do. I suggested they could think of things being better, or what they would do if they could. We said if only they could come and visit me, and things would be better when they were older, with their own friends.

Kelly had come on the scene a number of years ago to help out during a stressful time for Caitlin. There was a closeness and parallel between the two lives or personae without total awareness. Kelly knew about Caitlin the host, but Caitlin did not know of Kelly or what happened while she was in place.

What I am trying to get across is that it is possible to pull the wool over people’s eyes, especially if they have a mental make-up like Caitlin or Kelly, and make them unaware they even knew you before, forgetting or putting into byways things which might help them make sense of their lives. You can render them incapable of making proper choices, involving them in things they would never consciously do. You can over-ride the mental and emotional circuits, and effectively run - and ruin - their lives.

Much of it is done at a subliminal level like hypnosis, and drugs make it easier too. Add in the amount of mis-information and demoralising as to their having any normal rights, and you see how it could be possible. It is a tremendous feat requiring a lot of time, effort and skill to achieve and to maintain. Why would anyone do that to another human being, or even want to?

I was spending chunks of time online each week, trying to help Kelly in her situation. Marta must have spent equally huge chunks in order to maintain control. We seemed to be rendering her less effective, so she had to change some of her tactics.



Why Do Such Things?


I was generally curious why Marta was involving me rather than just sneaking up on Kelly in my absence. I received emails from Marta's new email address with a weird name saying ‘Have a lovely long weekend dear. Everything is fine.’

Marta stopped arriving at Kelly’s house expecting to get inside or to get Kelly outside. If I was online it simply did not work so well. Marta told me many times that I was interfering. She relied more on feedback from some alters she placed or encouraged, to know when I signed out or was not around. Then she turned up outside Kelly's house.

On occasions when Kelly and I were led to believe it was over, the hassle, pain, interference from Marta and the cult, suddenly we would know it wasn't. There were phone hang-ups with no message or speaking, or plentiful emails on strange topics. ‘Here come the emails’ the ‘protectors’ would say, and some deleted them straight away.

When the fairly new ‘protector’ I called Wilf came on the scene, he appeared to be considerate. I told him I was fed up being criticised and insulted by the robot and others, and it was hard for me to believe Wilf now. He told me various alters had the task of keeping me as far away as possible. Wilf then turned into a form of tyrant, sending a spate of emails telling me to turn off the phone alerts, to stay offline, that Marta never existed in reality. . . This was Wilf out of my good books and me out of his.

Kelly was now meant to die by apparent suicide, and Marta would take on Kelly’s powers, in some way achieving the ultimate protection for herself that she so wanted. See End Times Prophecy. Apparently when Marta held a knife to Kelly’s throat on the night Kelly went on the run, Marta was yelling 'I’m going to kill you now and take your soul.’ Who knows if this was high drama, if she really believed it, or why she sent me an email saying I had 30 minutes to explain why now was not the right time for Kelly to die?

Marta went from being aggressive towards me, to being flattering and wanting to be friends, to demanding why I was interfering, because she and Kelly got along much better when I was not confusing things. Sometimes she told me directly or via Kelly, that I was useless at what I did, that it would all be too much for me, and I did not have the powers or people to call on that she had. She admitted I was stubborn, and also made a strange admission that I had not managed to get Kelly to eat properly, whereas Marta had managed to prevent it while Kelly grew thinner and more ill.





How Did That Deal Go ?


Note: In Kelly’s past there was a degree of cultic ritual abuse involving some ‘satanic’ philosophy, but that is not the key issue. We need to move beyond that concept to reach the far shore. Someone apparently keeping Kelly involved with the cult was a woman whose path had crossed hers to the point where Kelly insisted on a Deal: that Kelly would not reveal personal and cult matters relevant to this woman I call Marta. In return she must leave Kelly alone - Did she though?

I became aware of increasing pressure to get me to simply go away, to stay out of what the situation really was. If I had thought Kelly was even a slightly willing participant in the cult, I might have done. How can someone like Kelly, whose entire life and emotions are being over-ridden by someone else, manage to extricate themselves? How could I leave someone in that situation if I could possibly avoid it and with a working computer and a brain?

I am aware that most of ‘the Book’ does not relate too greatly to ritual abuse as many people experience it. If you can read it, you may see the connections. Many of the principles of control are similar. People are largely unable to extricate themselves from a cultic situation, or even an unequal relationship with one person. Cults of any kind are web-like and hard to climb out of. People therefore need help with climbing out, if they can realise that is their situation.

If other people do not believe there is even a problem, they are unlikely to spend time and energy helping. If people do not talk about the issues, or there is a culture of disbelief and scepticism, things will not change. Because you or others have not experienced or heard of these things, and you would not do them, that is not sufficient cause to think no-one else would do.

Kelly’s life and traumas have been exposed here. She would never choose to go for a personal vendetta, and I would not have helped with such a course. That is not what we are about. I wanted Kelly to know that I was still around, and would continue if I could, but there might come a time when she would fend for herself more, or she might not want me there anyway. ‘You’re leaving me,’ Kelly wailed.

‘Marta said you would give up’ said a recent ‘protector-type’ whose loyalty I had concerns about. ‘It only took two nights to get you to give up the phone. You are compliant. I knew it.’ Compliant seemed to be one of their basic concepts.

‘So Marta, that person you claim does not exist, told you I would give up. How did she manage that if she doesn't exist?’ I replied.

‘You have been a strong opponent’ came the reply. ‘But see how you gave up. Two nights of ‘stop the phone’. No MSN in the night. Now this.’ This was followed by several LOL indicating his mirth and triumph.

‘What is funny?’ asked Kelly reading the LOL.

‘It’s just a robot thing being stupid,’ I replied, and we moved on to other topics. I never heard from that 'protector' again.

I always did think that, if anyone could stand up to what was happening, it was Kelly, but she was now so weak and demoralised that her 'real protectors' told me they were too weakened by the cult and memories, and had to rely on outside help. With inside alters which were inconsistent and fuelled by Marta, that was hardly surprising. It was a very longterm situation that I strayed into. Apparently there are other young women in Kelly’s area claiming to be involved in a local cult, but their attempts to get people to listen meet with blank denial.

Perhaps this is some bizarre joint delusion, not that there is a cult but that there cannot be, even when several people say there is. What is the delusion which says ‘We cannot even listen to this or try to explain it’? Usually it is called denial, or behaving like an ostrich. There are high numbers of suicides in the area particularly of young women, but reports do not appear in local newspapers. Kelly wanted to research the deaths in the library, but I felt that was an unsafe thing for her to be doing.



Bleak Times


‘It feels as though something just died inside’ wrote Nolly, one of the original ‘protectors’. Her main role seemed to be tuning into Kelly’s thoughts and interpreting for me, at times when Kelly found it impossible to express herself or even know what went on. She could sometimes see trouble looming and was usually powerless to do anything but alert me. When Kelly was going through hell on earth, I could have done with Nolly around more to tell me what was happening.

‘Do you think you can perhaps lighten the conversation? You managed it yesterday’ she said.The previous day things had been hard-going in my MSN chat with Kelly. She hoped that one day we would meet up. I told her something funny that I would be wearing, and she felt better that I made a small move towards that day. There was such a difference in our lives: I could decide what to do or not, whom to meet or not. I could say with some reasonable hope ‘That person is not going to treat me like that’ or 'I plan to do such-and-such'. Kelly could not decide or achieve these things.

During that week, Kelly had been feverish with high temperature and other symptoms, and emailed to say she really felt she should go to hospital. The sudden urge to go to hospital was a recurrent theme, but this time I felt she needed medical attention and encouraged her to take a cab to hospital. When she returned next day, I was expecting her to be feeling a little better for taking some control over treatment. But she was crying and very distraught.

The next day, Kelly said she had a nightmare that she went to hospital and had a little operation. This was a way of distancing herself from something that happened, which she now needed to think was a bad dream. She continued with this strategy for four days, even with a hospital bracelet on her arm. This blocking out or distancing meant she was not taking antibiotics to bring down the fever and infection. I suggested she look for some antibiotics to help with the pain in her side.

‘I did go to hospital, didn’t I? And that means it was not a dream. Is that right?’ Kelly wrote a frantic email before our MSN chat time. I emailed that I could come on MSN to explain, but waited online and Kelly did not join me. It was always difficult to know how much to stick to agreed times or be flexible. When we did meet up on MSN the conversation started well. With half-an-hour still left I was concerned we might not maintain the positive mood.

‘I am not smart like you’ Kelly whined. ‘Things are changing. And I make mistakes. I am not smart all the time.

'Everyone does stupid things sometimes,’ I tried to be realistic and reassuring.

‘Stop. You are smart and I am stupid. You just said so.’ ‘No, I said everyone does stupid things. You just took something literally,’ I persisted.

‘Well I do take things literally’ complained Kelly. ‘If I lend you money, you’d better pay it back the day you say. You just better.’

We continued this way with Nolly asking me to improve the tone of the conversation, but it needed to be spontaneous. ‘I’m going to lose my connection soon’ I wrote, trying to prepare Kelly that our two hours were nearly up. ‘What time tomorrow?’

‘You say. You are the one with secrets. I don’t know what you are doing’ wrote Kelly, piqued that her own life had dwindled to the point where her children hardly came home, and she was now unable to drive them back and forth to school or visiting their friends.

‘How about 2pm your time?’ I asked. There was a long pause. ‘Well that was not a good way for this to end’ wrote Nolly.

How does someone like Kelly pick herself and her life off the floor, when her welfare cheque has inexplicable deductions, when it stops altogether because someone reports her as working (she was currently unable to work), or it vanishes from her mail box? How can she pay bills, eat basic food, provide food for her children?

It sounded as if someone wanted her to give up completely, and not just from within Kelly’s small DID system. I always believed, if Kelly were left alone by Marta and the cult, she would be a fairly independent and good mother to her children, going through bad times and needing support just once in a while. This had happened before and I hoped it could again.




Time Will Tell


‘Aunti, Kelly going out befor Haloween come’ wrote DaisyMay, the young alter with a protective role towards Kelly - when Daisy was not playing a double game.

‘That might be safer for her’ I replied. I had agreed to be around in case attempts were made to call for Kelly and take her to a Hallowe'en cult meeting. This was despite the so-called Deal struck between Marta and Kelly a few weeks earlier, that Marta would leave Kelly alone if Kelly agreed not to talk about Marta and damage her reputation.

‘No aunti. Kelly going on streets agin. She had showr, put makup on.’ Daisy was upset. ‘Try not to worry, Daisy’ I wrote. ‘I still think that might be safer than waiting in, in case Marta comes. Or she could go to her friend’s house, or get a friend to come over.’

‘Aunti! Kelly going get gun, and needl in arm agin, die.’

‘I don’t think she will do that’ I began, and was interrupted by Nolly saying ‘Pardon me madame. The little one is saying what she knows to be true, and you are telling her she does not understand. Kelly will get a gun and crystal meth tonight. Surely you know that.'

'No-one told me properly till now' I replied, thinking back to the time Kelly was on the run and ending up in what she called a druggie-house, with the aim of buying a gun.

‘It is because of Daisy that Kelly is still alive. You should realise Daisy called the ambulance several times.’ This was during times when Kelly had taken pills in despair. Nolly continued with ‘Daisy would rather go back to Marta, but she did what you told her and stayed away. You need to protect Daisy. She is the key, she’s important.’



‘What are you doing here?’ demanded Kelly herself, coming through.

‘I said I’d be here over Hallowe’en. We agreed I would be around tonight till it’s safe,’ I wrote.

‘Don’t be ridiculous, you can’t stay till 4am. Get off my computer. Now’ replied Kelly.

Earlier in the day, Daisy told me Marta was sending emails, and I sent a facetious e-card to Marta saying she was breaking her side of the Deal. I was wondering if I should have stayed out of it, but I was trying to pre-empt her now approaching Kelly. Then I sent an email hoping that Kelly’s real ‘protector/s’ would help out.

‘Moment of truth’ came a reply headed Protectors. ‘You will meet together. Your paths have crossed. You do not know the future as I do. You will remain connected. After this night you will have surpassed all evil. You two shall work as one to promote justice. You will exchange documents. You must commit yourself now. It will be longterm. I need your answer.’

‘I've been happy to help but I will need to consider the future. Nothing can infringe my other work. My aim, when I work with people, is to render myself redundant, not indispensable. Anyway, where have you been all this time? Why did you wait right till Hallowe’en and I had to call on you?’ I was angry at the strange and high-handed attempt to put me on the spot.

‘Redundant!’ came the prompt reply. ‘You do not understand things as I do. What you did was your choice. You two shall meet. You will meet her family. I know the future. You need to protect the little one. You need to call her with a name connected to you. You need to call the little one by name. Use the name she knows, also the name that has a connection to you. The host will return on this special night. The evil will be gone. I know this. Use the name.’

I am no good at riddles, especially when things are confusing and fraught. The new/old ‘protector’ was not giving me information in terms I could understand, but it seemed important regarding the host Caitlin, the one who lived the life before Kelly came along to help.

‘It is urgent, call the little one’ wrote the ‘protector’, now on MSN rather than emails.

‘I’ve been in contact with a 6-year old, a 13-year old, a 15-year old and maybe another of that age. And with Daisy’ I added. ‘I don’t want to get the wrong one.’

‘Not Daisy’ came the reply. She is not of the birth person. The birth person will return. The thread to evil will be broken tonight. Call now. Here she comes.’

Not wishing to rock the boat and prevent the real birth person from being able to return, I wrote quickly ‘Hi Caitlin. It’s me, Lucy. Are you there?’ There was a long pause.

‘Ho is yo’ appeared on my screen.

‘Hi, it’s me Lucy, the bartender.’ I used a name Caitlin called me by in the early days when she appeared occasionally and briefly. Caitlin had said I was like a bartender in her life, someone who got told things that people wanted to share, then was gone again. ‘Ho is yo’ came the reply.

‘It’s me, Lucy. Who are you?’ ‘Kate,’ came the reply. ‘I want my mom. Ho is yo.’

‘How old are you?’ I wrote. ‘5. I want my mom. Wer my mom. Wer my dad.’

‘They aren’t far away. They’ll be back soon, ‘ I tried to reassure this little person.

‘Is this the bartender?’ At last I was in touch with the host, the person I knew as Caitlin.

‘Yes, hi. How are you? Not spoken to you in a while.’ Caitlin and I lost contact six months earlier during a particularly difficult time for her.

‘This place is a wreck. Where are my kids? Where have they been all this time?’ demanded Caitlin.‘

I think they’ve been with Pete most of the time,’ I replied. This was Caitlin’s ex-husband with whom she had an amicable arrangement over access and care of the children. ‘Did they change school? Why is this place such a mess?’

‘I think Kelly had a really hard time since you left,’ I replied. Things were a little tricky, as Kelly was sometimes aware of Caitlin, but Caitlin always said ‘I don’t know who Kelly is’, and was unaware of the cult and issues over Marta.

‘What’s the date?’ asked Caitlin. Not wanting to explain that it was Hallowe’en night I replied ‘October’.

‘OMG, it was Spring and now it’s Winter. Where was Summer?’ said Caitlin.

Daisy, the 5 year-old cut into the conversation with ‘Abodi say I must say bi now.’

‘There is only room for one little one. You must say goodbye to Daisy quickly’ wrote the ‘protector’.

Daisy left and I had further conversation with little Kate aged 5, which was flagging. Nolly came through urgently with: ‘Keep going. There’s knocking the door. You must keep talking.’ It was approaching midnight on 30th October, when I'd been told someone went round houses of cult people to take them to their special meeting. Nolly called it 'rounding' when people like Kelly were picked up in this manner.

Little Kate and I talked about kindergarten, playing with blocks, different colours we both liked. She said her favourite colour was purple, and the only colour to put with that was yellow. She was adamant the colour to go with blue was white. Eventually Kelly came online, much changed from her earlier belligerent manner. ‘Hi’ she wrote. ‘I feel sad for some reason. Where’s Daisy?’

‘I don’t know’ I replied. ‘Someone wanted her to say goodbye. I don’t know if she will be back. You can feel it?’ We chatted some more and she said she felt generally better. ‘Did I yell at you?’ she asked. ‘Not much, I don’t remember what about’ I played it down.

‘Well I’m sorry. I think I was mad about something though.’ I asked if she was aware the host-person had briefly returned. ‘If you sense that Daisy is not there, do you think you would know if Caitlin was near?’ I asked.

‘Caitlin was here? Yes, I think I knew that too’ she replied. ‘Does that mean I have to go because she’s back? I don’t want to go’ she said.

‘No, of course not. No reason for you to go. And perhaps Caitlin doesn’t want to be around all the while. You and I can still talk.’

We agreed to sign out now things seemed safer and calmer. Generally, when Marta or someone came knocking at the door for a cult meeting, there would come a time when they had to leave in order not to be late at the other end. Then Kelly would be left at home and safe. I told Kelly to email me if there was anything further that night.

The following day Kelly was cheerful on MSN. Caitlin came through briefly and I reassured her she did not have to stay longterm if she preferred. But there was no Daisy which felt strange. Just tiny Kate aged 5 who played guessing games with numbers and words, and who typed, or squeaked into the mic ‘I want my mom.’

I had further exchanges with the new/old ‘protector’ about my required longterm involvement in their cause. Kelly said she felt something was not right, in fact it felt very wrong. Her intuition was generally spot on. When I told her to trust her intuition, the ‘protector’ got agitated and said we were both mistaken.

There were some disturbing aspects. Marta had access to Kelly during recent hospital visits via an arrangement with some of the staff, when she would speak softly into Kelly’s ear. After these sessions, interaction between myself and Kelly would be difficult. The ‘protector’ claimed that the link between Marta and Kelly/Caitlin was broken, with the going of Daisy and arrival of tiny Kate. I wished he would tell me what to do about young Kate and the implications for Caitlin. But I was in agreement with him that ‘Time will tell’.





More Weirdness


There had been a spate of nonsense emails from Kelly with nuggets of truth in them. When her mind went into overdrive she wrote reams saying the same thing over and over. Nolly the ‘protector/interpreter’ would get concerned and apologise or say she did not know what was happening. ‘Is she breaking down?’ wrote Nolly after this batch. ‘I am so sorry for this. I do not understand. I think she has lost it. You can just go to sleep and ignore her.’

‘I don’t think there’s any need to worry’ I replied. Kelly seemed to be going round in circles, trying to keep her mind occupied on certain subjects and away from others. They made a kind of sense but it was gone midnight and I was tired from being online over Hallowe’en. The next night Kelly had no recollection of those emails or that her mind had seemed to be falling apart. She thought she had slept from 9.30pm right through the night and could not understand why she was tired.

‘She did not sleep at all’ wrote Nolly. ‘Is she going crazy?’ I replied ‘It’s OK. I know it probably feels like it to you. I think it’s part of a healing process. There’s no need to go into details of what she says. This will all take time. Kelly has powers of recovery.’

‘Who is ill? Your mom is ill?’ asked Kelly, coming in at the tail end and causing me to fudge a reply, which I hated doing. ‘No, she’s fine. What were we talking about?’

‘I don’t know. Just don’t talk about bonfires, ok?’ wrote Kelly. ‘OK’ I agreed.

The next night I suggested that two hours might be rather long for every MSN session. Kelly accused me of trying to dump her, a conversation we had many times, when out of the blue she felt I’d never be back. I had explained I was not likely to give up after four years, even if we did lose contact for a while. She had emailed that she felt I was giving up yet realised I was still around.

Kelly had been picking up things I was saying and turning them into an accusation, and this was increasing. ‘Look, if you say I am leaving, and I am saying that I’m not, you are implying that I’m lying, right?’ I wrote in exasperation after nearly 2 hours.

‘No, I’m saying you are leaving, not lying,’ replied Kelly.

‘And I’m saying I am not leaving, and if you say I am, you imply I’m lying. I’m simply doing to you now what you do to me, twisting things round.’ I took a chance.

‘I’ve had enough,’ wrote Kelly, signing out before my connection cut off. She wanted to be the one to do it this time.

Two hours later there were a couple of panic emails from Kelly, in which she swore, which was rare for her whatever the circumstances. ‘That - - - - - - - followed me. She did! She doesn’t drive that way. Marta followed me and waved at the kids’ she wrote.

I replied briefly to support her, knowing she was going out again shortly. Later there were more emails - her wallet had disappeared, and she had bumped into someone she knew, a psychiatrist she crossed swords with. ‘That stupid pdoc was there. And my wallet’s gone now.’

How can someone’s life get so involved, such changes in reality day-to-day, such bizarre events, such shifting sands with no follow-through? Kelly’s information was usually reliable, whether we could make sense of it or not. ‘Did he come anywhere near you?’ I replied. Perhaps his unexplained appearance had simply spooked her and she was confused.

‘He spoke to me, and I said have you got kids at the school, and he said no, no, and walked off. And I’d left my wallet in the car and now it’s gone.’ In the morning, I sent Kelly an email saying I had no idea what was happening, that I hoped her wallet would turn up, and that there seemed some link between Marta and this psychiatrist. Perhaps they were having a joke at her expense or trying to confuse her. Remember the saying ‘Just because you are paranoid, it doesn’t mean people are not doing things to you’?

Both Marta and this psychiatrist referred to me as a fake. Fake or not, I was doing my best whilst none too sure about them. There were no comments like 'Well just be careful and make up your own mind.' Years later, Kelly's new therapist called me a fake within minutes of Kelly mentioning me, but I think she already knew of my involvement.

Although Kelly sometimes told lies to protect me from something, or to protect herself from some awareness, she always had a quality of speaking true. Sometimes we never got to the bottom of things because they were so strange, or they changed so quickly. Sometimes we did, much later on.



Deals Within Wheels


‘Look what you just wrote. Maybe it wasn’t for me but I read it’ Kelly wrote in an urgent email. ‘Yes, I did write that. And I take full responsibility for it’ I began. ‘I wrote it for the so-called ‘protector/s’ of yours who have conveniently vanished again.’

After a week of disturbed nights and repeated assurances from Kelly, Nolly, and the new ‘protector/s’ that Marta and the cult were really gone, I informed the ‘protector/s’ that a high-handed approach to me was not going to win the day. They had tried to involve me in a longterm commitment, I should decide right now and not question, and they claimed to know my future. So I emailed to set them straight. ‘Protectors’ often showed themselves to be cult-loyal rather than helpful to Kelly.

‘Does this mean you won’t talk to me on MSN?’ Kelly demanded when we chatted to sort out the tangle. ‘No. It just means that I will commit myself up to a certain point, and then things will be on a different basis. I’ll still be here. We’ll still be in touch. It just won’t be quite the same as it has been.’

‘You had better give her your new rules. And if you are pulling out now just say so’ intervened Nolly.

‘What email address are you going to use. So you’re only doing once a week now. Which night?’ Kelly demanded.

‘Will you both please read what I’m saying. I wrote that email in response to stuff written by someone calling themselves your ‘protectors’. Maybe you can get in touch with them. I don’t do three-way stuff because it gets confusing. And I don’t take instructions from people. You know that.’

‘They had to test out whether you can be manipulated’ wrote Nolly trying to make the peace. ‘Very nice, I do not think’ I replied.

This reaction from Kelly was one reason I had not previously broached the subject of any reduction of our hours online. The situation had improved from the terrible and dramatic events that used to happen. If things reverted to that, it meant we would not win this war just yet. My hope was to release Kelly from her prison-like situation, then to render it impossible for Marta to do similar things to other vulnerable women. I knew Kelly to be in agreement with that part of it also.

‘I told you before that this not my war,’ I continued. ‘I can’t rescue you from it. It needs to be you who does it, and I will help where I can.’ There had been other issues, undercurrents and links, and much has been omitted for the sake of clarity and discretion but it all tied in.

‘But I thought one day you and I would meet, and I could thank you for what you did. Now you won’t do that’ said Kelly.

‘There’s no reason we can’t. Things will be a bit different. I'll still be here and we can email like we do. But I have to reduce my time on MSN.’

Kelly then wrote about her life, how she had been let down by so many people, how she had been hurt by various people and situations, and she did not want to risk being hurt again. ‘I don’t know why I trust you, but I do’ she wrote. But I’m going to be a recluse. I can’t risk any further hurt from being involved with people.’

‘I think people have to broaden out their base. That way it works better,’ I wrote, concerned.

‘Oh right, you mean if I am in contact with other people, you don’t have to spend so much time with me’ wrote Kelly, a tack we also had before. Kelly picked out a specific thing from one area, and applied it to others to prove her point that it must apply to X, Y, Z. When I pointed it out saying I did not remember the circumstances, she jumped on it saying I did not know what I was talking about.

I explained that I open things up for discussion, and it's for her to consider it, agree, disagree, or ignore it. ‘Are you worried that Caitlin might want to come back?’ I asked, wondering if one reason for Kelly's insecurity was the recent brief appearance of Caitlin the host-person, after a six-month absence. ‘I don’t know’ came the reply.

‘Well maybe she won’t want to be around much or want to stay. Now Daisy has gone I’m not sure there’s so much to deal with on such a regular basis.’ I was trying to see how Kelly felt about things. ‘I know’ she wailed. ‘You don’t have to go on about Daisy not being here.’

‘Sorry. But there was nearly a whole week recently when you didn’t say anything to me at all. It was only Daisy who did the talking’ I replied.

‘Then you got spoiled. That must have been nice for you’ came her response. ‘Actually I got spoiled with all the attention, didn’t I? That’s what happened. I just got spoiled.’

'And that so-called 'protector' told me he knew my future.' I was hoping Kelly would see my point.

'That's rubbish' she wrote and I breathed a sign of relief.

My view was that Kelly was pretty much OK if left alone to lead her life. Naturally, as she went through various crises, she could seem clingy and dependent. At other times the tendency was remarkably missing, leading me to feel she could indeed manage, and should be encouraged to think of not relying on others for ever. I occasionally rocked the boat deliberately and also by mistake, then stayed around to try to steady it up.

This was my attempt to get things on a different footing for us both. After all, I believed in us both. Time would tell what other things would happen. It bothered me that Kelly used to have a certain bounce and enthusiasm almost whatever happened. There would be a pause for a couple of days or weeks. Then something would happen and she was back breathlessly recounting something line after line. Now that had gone, including her innate ability to seek out other people or information that might help.

Something seemed different from the Kelly of a couple of years earlier. I was wondering how things would transpire if the host-person Caitlin dropped in more often causing me to lose contact with Kelly. Perhaps all this was a precursor to that, and I had no idea how Caitlin, a gentle and sensitive soul, might cope if she returned to the present day after 6 months in recluse for reasons of her own.



Musings And Meditations


Kelly said she was feeling weird after little Kate was on MSN. Kate was 5, not worldly-wise like Daisy, who was also 5 and was gone. When younger aspects of Kelly came through, Kelly felt weird and unwell, sensing a whispering in her mind. ‘Does it feel a bit like having the flu?’ I asked Kelly. ‘Ya, it does’ she replied.

Although some people show personality traits and seem predictable, most of us are a jumble of inconsistencies loosely strung together. We behave differently with our parents, our partner, our boss, or depending how we get up in the morning, or someone is rude and we react. Perhaps we have people around us who say ‘What’s up with you today?’ or ‘That’s different from what you said last week.’ Sometimes we talk things through with other people, or keep them under our hat in case they cause more problems.

Most of us have some awareness of what happened last year, last week, a half-hour ago, though there are likely to be things we bury deep down. With dissociation it doesn’t work like that. There is perhaps no continuity from one day or hour to the next, one experience to another, no linkage between parts of an experience. Integration is not the only or desirable answer. The person manages best in their own way, but it helps if others around them are not judgmental. Some people who dissociate know that they do not want to integrate, because it works better to keep some aspects of mental functioning and emotions separate.

Kelly did not seem as dissociative as some other people, perhaps due to a less confusing early life, I do not know, but there seemed a consistency. There was young Daisy who filled in some gaps. There was Caitlin the host-person who dropped in for brief periods to chat to her bartender as she called me. She was back for an 18-month period, then said goodbye and disappeared about 7 months earlier.

There was Nolly who took the role of interpreting to me what Kelly was feeling so I could understand. And a part which Nolly referred to as the robot or that idiot. The robot seemed to take a role of manic defence, thinking that everything painful that happened to Kelly was just plain funny. He was like a flip-side. He held a useful role in that he got riled by my attitude, and spilled the beans on what happened or was planned by the cult.



‘What happened to the robot?’ I asked Daisy a month before she disappeared.’ ‘Him gone, aunti,’ she replied. ‘You did it.’

‘What?’ I asked. ‘He was around making his stupid jokes, then I haven’t spoken to him in weeks. Maybe he will be back.’

‘No aunti,’ wrote Daisy. ‘Him . . . him explode. You no get off the computr, him explode. You did it aunti.’ Since then, there have been a variety of robot upgrades, more sophisticated versions of my sparring partner. Throughout ‘the Book’ I have referred to ‘protectors’, and this could be confusing for readers or people with experiences like Kelly’s. Many people do have parts which act in a higher or protective role.

My perceptions of most alters who appeared in a protective role towards Kelly or Caitlin is they had some dual-role. They helped in some sense with the survival of ‘the body’ and mental functioning. As perhaps they lost contact with cult members, or were unable to handle complexity, they seemed to flip and tried to break contact between myself and Kelly.

People like Kelly are brought up in a culture with certain aims and practices which make it hard for the rest of us to engage with them. We don’t understand the thinking behind the practices, and may find it too unbelievable or plain horrible. The practices and beliefs in cult ritual abuse are similar in significant respects to what happens in many cultures, and are not so different from normal human behaviour, but are at an extreme end of a continuum. More accurately, at an extreme end of an extreme continuum.

I am no expert but in some African initiatory tribes for instance, young men go through experiences designed to separate them from everyday life and practices, setting them apart from their past, and others who have not been through them. It is my belief that cult ritual abuse is along these lines in a broad sense. People may study the heroes of classical Greece and Rome, or are drawn to the concepts of shamanism, as practised in other cultures or adapted for the West, or they feel an affinity with certain ideas or ideals. People choose what suits or interests them, taking what they feel an inner need for. Something in their make-up or experience drives or entices them in some direction, to help make sense of their lives.

Who can sit in judgement on another person for ways in which they differ from us or what we believe? What many people do not seem to realise is that some of the old practices still happen today, in our modern cities and towns, or tucked away deep in the country. Some of the old practices including sacrifice of animals and humans still go on. They did not go away in many other cultures. They have not gone away in parts of ours, or they have been resurrected. Yes, I've read the books which show how we only imagine they are here, and the writers make some valid points. We don't have the whole story and need to round it out.

Some people in today’s day and age in our own societies, claim for public consumption that these things cannot and do not happen, yet are themselves willing to engage in practices which are harmful, if not deadly to others. Look out for the vulnerable, look for those who dissociate, who are regarded as too crazy or flaky to be believed or worth heeding. It is certainly not all ritual abuse, but some of it could be related.

Look for those who ride roughshod over those who are weaker. You may not see it because there is a social veneer in place. They tend not to work as loners although some might. They may need to be part of a wider group to reinforce their beliefs and practices, and to get away with it in a sustained manner. I entered this field through hearing about multi-perpetrator abuse of children which involved pornography and violence. It was not connected to anything remotely occult, though these things happen there too. Children can’t fight back, neither can demoralised and manipulated adults.

People tend to a fascination about having extra powers, an extra something they have or can do, over and above the rest. They may work hard on their own development, read books, meditate, talk with others, watch films about fantastic feats or withstanding the impossible. Each one of us, as well as being a mixture of varied aspects, is not so far away from being inclined to do bad things as well as the desirable or admirable. We are under social or group pressures to be acceptable, while being personally curious or adventurous, and can easily get blackmailed or pressurised. Each of us can regress to when we were younger with different needs. People with sufficient know-how might use this to debase us, but not if we are careful or fortunate.

Sometimes the wish is to be accepted or successful, so we may get lured by cast-iron guarantees of rising up the ladder. Much of our current society involves extensive use of personal image and bearing, how one portrays oneself to others and achieves one’s ends, often over the backs of others less robust or cunning, or without family or contacts to support them in a wider sense.

Question: Why do you think firms advertise?

Answer: Because it pays off.



It is easy to get people to believe that they need to have, or to do something. If you imply by word, manner or deed that you have secrets others can have if they join your clique or get involved, you are on the way to being a cult-leader. We look for answers to questions relating to life or death, the meaning of our lives or life in general. Some people claim to have this knowledge and sell it at a price, in terms of money or at some cost or sacrifice. Victims either live somewhere near, or are otherwise accessible to those who want power, and are willing to denigrate others.

Principles which can be used to control others can also be used to undo control





Don't Shoot The Messenger


Sometimes there is a meeting between the two worlds. There may not be such a very wide gap between those worlds, between people living their ordinary lives and what is described here. We bridge the gap between ourselves and horror, with horror films and fantasy. Some people live their own horror, or that of other people’s making. If people agree to live through horror with real free will that is their choice. No-one else should make that choice for them, or take over the reins of someone’s life. Not all cults do these things, although some general principles may apply in psychological or social terms. Another analogy would be Mafia-type thinking and control. Inroads have been made into cleaning some of that up, after denials for many years that Mafia even existed. How things can change!

You can follow your own thinking and practices, changing your views as other information or experiences come along. There has been confusion in terminology, with much black-and-white thinking. If one attempts to use the word ‘satanism’ or ‘satanic’ one can get into a theological quagmire. What has been described in these pages was apparently ‘satanic’ based, with references to demon alters and more that is not mentioned, apparently important in attaining ‘powers’. There were many biblical references, and use of hymns with words and meanings radically changed.

Many fine minds have spent time and effort in decrying efforts made to get people to listen and consider these abuses. Why try to demonstrate that something has not happened or cannot happen? What if it can, and might still be happening? Would you really turn your back on all of it with a shrug, a brief phrase of dismissal? If you wish to term it ‘urban myth’, ‘satanic panic’ or any other clever-sounding phrase to categorise and file away uncomfortable material, then do so.

This was not a one-off situation of my hearing this from Kelly and believing unquestioningly. I heard similarly from others, direct from their experiences. If you prefer to think that Kelly was some nut on the net (her words), or I am some fake/nut who misguidedly believed her, that’s OK. There were many attempts made to persuade me that the main perpetrator Marta was just one of Kelly’s alters. But Marta engaged me online, told me her name and profession, wanted me to make Kelly forget things, and sent me screwball emails on high days and holidays.

The geography of the Hicktown where this all happened? I am in no doubt about that. People wonder why there is no physical proof of these things. Mostly it is covered up. Generally, people need to be well away from habitation. You would likely find them in dense woodland, near expanses of water, in clearings, or even deep underground. No-one hears the cries. It can happen in large cities too.

Only occasionally was Kelly aware of other women involved like herself, or of some of the men, and she tended to forget after the event. People at ceremonies are generally cloaked or disguised. Those attending are in an altered, or alter, state where little is able to pass from one area of the brain to another (see the work of William Sargant), or from one mode of thinking or behaviour to another. But the organisers need to be sufficiently compos mentis to carry things through, or else they would need people to ensure they are carried out on their behalf. Not all of these people need to be fully cult-connected.



Out Of The Woods?


Kelly had been demanding and helpless, expecting me to solve anything and everything wrong with her life, right now. Her voice and words resounded with blame, as she implied that I should do them because in her eyes my life was perfect, whereas she had no money, no hope, and so on. This alternating between idealising me and denigrating me was common with Kelly, but could be hard when my own batteries were low. She usually had consideration for people even when her own life was dramatically bad.

Nolly, the protector/interpreter of Kelly’s feelings, was also angry with me, listing things Kelly needed, and summing up ‘But nobody can tell you what to do, that is obvious. You always make your own mind up. And that so-called ‘protector’ has gone now. Kelly's scared you are leaving.’

Kelly wanted me to find an online course for her desired mode of being reclusive. She wanted instant information, instant this, solutions in all areas, including for her feeling worse than the days of Marta and the cult. I had pulled out all stops to keep Marta and the cult away from Kelly, using time, logic, intuition, extra time on dynamics, anything arising from online discussions, anything I read or heard. Some things worked better than others. As Marta was apparently not around, it was hard for me to see why I would not take more of a back seat. Read on:

‘My phone wires were cut outside’ came an email from Kelly after an unexplained break in communication. I wondered if Marta had something to do with the wires.

‘Here are some pictures of how I feel.’ Kelly forwarded some graphic pictures of a pit with jagged edges, and a mass of scribble over a diffuse background. ‘So now you know. And I can’t breathe, and there’s this awful feeling worse than anything I had before. You must make it better right now. Please, please.'

Nolly outlined some of what happened during the past week, and I was impressed by situations Kelly had handled intelligently and strongly on her own, more as she used to. ‘She wants to talk to you about them’ she wrote. Kelly had told me that somehow I made it impossible for her to talk to me, which I thought was because I tried to introduce changes.

I felt Kelly and I needed to broaden out from the tightly bound dynamics of Marta and the cult, and bring in concepts or views about the outside world. We had managed in the past, then it would disappear leaving an all-or-nothing, yes/no approach. Kelly had trouble with any kind of separation between herself and me, and blamed me for cutting her phone wires, or for sending her hate.

Kelly wanted me to help her start over, this time with her having a heart. I took a tangent on impulse, and referred to the warm-coloured hearth rug she was going to bring in from the shed. I wrote about a cottage with really thick walls, and nice little windows you could see out of but no-one could see in.‘Carry on with this, please’ wrote Nolly who'd been having a hard time with Kelly, no ‘protectors’, just a few little ones that were still there.

People like Kelly are often visionary, with things being very real to them. One needs to be careful not to use imagery which can be triggering or distressing in some unforeseen way. When this did happen Kelly would say ‘Please don’t talk about that’ or ‘Don’t use that word’, and I’d say ‘OK’ and go to something else. Once I raised a topic that was hard for her to handle and she seemed to disappear, so I returned to the previous topic which worked. Face-to-face it may be possible or advisable to delve more and see what happens, but not in remote circumstances.

‘Is that what you’d have? A cottage with really thick walls, so it’s never too hot and never too cold, and pretty little windows, and an old-fashioned little garden?’ I wrote. Kelly went on to describe lace curtains, the layout downstairs, a staircase with a bend, and bedrooms leading off a balcony. She wanted a sundeck front and back, whereas in her present house she hardly dare go outside and kept the curtains drawn to. This visionary house seemed safe - we struck lucky through necessity. ‘Thank you’ said Nolly. ‘This feels much better.’

I did believe something positive was happening and that it was worth persevering with a view to putting some of Kelly’s life into the past, and allowing forward movement. She told me most people have a filing system for experiences, whereas hers had broken. Next Kelly wrote about her life in another town some years back, with many dramatic incidents there which she coped with. She drew people and drama around her without doing anything for it to happen. There was a theme of standing up for herself or for others less fortunate or able. For all that Kelly was feeling a need to be reclusive now, I hoped things had gone through the bleakest part, and gradually things would happen for the better so she would surprise us all.

Fruitloop Therapy

From here on I refer to Kelly's therapist as Trixie for convenience - it suits her. A list of basic concerns about her manner of work appears on the previous page. Kelly had been seeing her for some years, and she now made less sense to me than she had in worse circumstances. I once asked Nolly the 'interpretor/protector' whether Trixie used hypnosis in the sessions because Kelly was so vague and inconsistent.

'You don't understand DID' she replied. 'Of course Kelly is slipping in and out, that's what happens. You don't need to hypnotise someone for that.' No but it helps with other agendas. Although Trixie spun a yarn about Kelly's parts needing to work together, that was the last thing on the agenda, hence the firewalls. More on this appears at Fruitloop Therapy.

As Kelly poured out ideas for her writing interspersed with other bits and pieces, Commas wrote 'Kelly is nuts, can't you see now?' Commas was hijacking some replies I sent for Kelly, and I discovered she also knew a range of tricks from Trixie. 'Kelly is not nuts' I replied. 'I've known her a long time and she may come back. I don't like to discuss her behind her back, so to speak.'



'Trixie tells me to stop making connections between things' wrote Kelly. 'My friend committed suicide this week, and another tried to. I've known them for years. They both knew Marta. Trixie says I shouldn't connect things like that up. I told Trixie about a woman who is just everywhere I go, and Trixie says . . . '

I sympathised over her friend, thought a while, and sent a reply:

I don't like the things Trixie says to you. That is my problem. Unfortunately you cannot presently see why.

When you feel more up to it, we can discuss it if you want to. I am not going to keep beating my head up against a brick wall trying to make you see. 'Trixie says . . .' is wearing thin with me.

Last night you said she had won because she had isolated you.

You do have some choices, and taking pills won't hack it.'



Well, we are all human, and that is what I was trying to convey to Kelly, who was repeatedly told that normal things were wrong, or they were a sign of some 'illness' that she had to 'get better from'. The wonder was that she was able to function at all.

Does it seem strange to you that three women originally from the same cult area, who knew each other and also Marta, would be strongly suicidal in the very same week? Kelly continued 'I always look at cars and their number plates, so if someone hurts me I can recognise their car later. Trixie says I should not do that. I notice her car too and she gets mad at me.'

Another alter in Kelly's system asked me why Kelly kept running to Trixie when anything happened. 'She knows Trixie hurts us' they said. I replied that it must be difficult for them to say much about this, and there was agreement, but also confirmation over a couple of other things that were puzzling. Many times I thought I could see a link or a likelihood over things, only to find the reality was nothing comparable.

Because of the quantity of emails that night I asked Kelly to slow down. She was growing a bit trance-like, and now I inadvertently used a trigger word. It tipped her over into being hypnotised, something that happened before and she had come out naturally. Normally she knew I would go ten times round the block for her to make up her own mind.

'Now you should say to her . . . . . ' wrote Commas 'And she will come out of it.'

If I could avoid it, I would not use a cult phrase that I did not know the implications of. Commas continued 'You can tell her to go to sleep now, so you can get to bed.' Commas already made attempts to get me to leave that night, as other 'protectors' had tried before. I told her someone must think I was getting too close to something for comfort.

'I'm on your side' she said. I tried a couple more times to get Kelly's attention, wrote that my computer had jammed and I'd be in touch next day. 'That's great, thank you' said Commas. 'Now Trixie can't do anything with Kelly tonight unless she realises she is hypnotised.' Tonight was meant to be a family night, although her family had unexpectedly (to Kelly) not arrived back.



The following week there was nothing from Kelly, but Commas wrote that Kelly was a danger to them all, and I should keep her away from therapy and even from being present in the system. Acting on a sense of unease, I said it was Kelly I knew and I would discuss things with her. 'But you saw all that stuff she wrote that night, she's crazy' said Commas.

'I understood it, so what does that make me? You know the things that happen to Kelly, and you know about the rubbish Trixie feeds her. Commas started to write oddly with gaps in the middle of words. She was upset, not used to being around or getting challenged. What I am now saying is no disrespect for alters that some people have, but Commas seemed more like 'other people's alters' and nothing to do with Kelly. Perhaps she was placed there for some reason rather than developing naturally.

Kelly said she was now isolated from everyone she knew. I wondered if the name of this game was to keep her from contact with me. There had been times when she was forced to say goodbye, and when I refused to say it back, somehow the thread was not broken. 'They' could not go on and do what was planned for her, though that was a mystery to me.

While Kelly was hypnotised or generally out-of-it, others in the system could look after her family. Goodness knows what else they got up to. I was well aware that, despite my respect for Kelly and her integrity, other parts could be capable of anything. A recent exchange with the robot made me wonder. Could be, he was just bragging about having control over Trixie. Could be he had something she needed, or that she did not want to become public knowledge. Commas was emailing me personal stuff about Trixie. Why, and how did she know?

I thought Kelly was becoming a nightmare client for Trixie who might consider pulling out, or ensure that Kelly was unable to cause trouble. When Marta had wanted to break with Kelly someone higher up the chain seemed to tweak on powerful reins, roping them both back in. Kelly now insisted that people were afraid of her including Trixie. I knew Marta had been. What was this? Kelly and another alter noticed that Trixie sometimes seemed phased by Daisy, who could certainly could get stroppy but ...

'Why does Trixie want you broken into little pieces?' I now asked Kelly. 'Marta does' she replied. At times it seemed as if Marta had some notion of actually taking Kelly over, her sensitivity and intuition, her attributes or personal magnetism, whatever it was that drew people.

'You want to know what I think? Probably not, but here it is' I began. 'I think Marta thinks she can take over whatever gifts you have. What good will that do for humanity?'

'None at all' she replied with a glimmer of her former self.



'It's you making me ill not Trixie' came an unexpected email from Kelly. There had been a false sense of calm since she announced there was no therapy because she and Daisy yelled at Trixie. During an unscheduled appointment Trixie learned of my involvement, said I was a fake and that Kelly must stop contacting people. My Inbox filled with emails Kelly was sending to someone who claimed to have solutions for her problems. Kelly was showing a spark of independence, writing her own narrative story for this person to read.

Next day she was shaky, wanting me to get pictures for 'the Book' as she wanted them. I wondered if Trixie was planning Kelly's demise, as it was referred to. On the surface Trixie changed tack overnight, now blaming others for Kelly's problems, her 'illness'. She said Kelly must move far away straight away. I commented that it would need planning and discussing with her close friend and her ex-husband. 'I know' she said. 'I didn't think it could be that easy.' I wondered if moving far away was a euphemism for Kelly's demise or suicide, phrased such that she would know what she was to do, and Trixie could deny any involvement.

'Yes you' came an email from an unknown alter, indicating I was indeed the cause of the problems. I wanted to reply that Trixie should go to jail but settled for 'Oh'. This was all disappointing and I hoped Trixie's control had slipped a notch. Nolly wrote that Daisy had been for an appointment that Kelly didn't know about. 'Do you think Trixie was angling for information from Daisy, or giving her instructions?' I asked. The reply came 'Instructions'.

Was Trixie following her own instructions properly, or batting about in the wind while breaking every boundary and guideline?




Please do not assume that, because you do not do the things outlined here,

or you have not come across them, absolutely no-one else does them





Undermining the Underminers


Family crises in Kelly's life intervened, and there were more days for undermining the Underminers, whoever, wherever, whyever.

No-one has to believe any of this. Not all of these things happen to people involved in ‘satanic’ or other cult ritual activity, and certainly not to many people in therapy. If some of the words, phrases or concepts, or sheer incredibility latch onto your curiosity or onto something meaningful, that is what ‘the Book’ is meant for:

* To de-mystify the otherwise unbelievable

* To show these things can happen

* That they are basically an extension of other aspects of human behaviour, however inhuman, crass, ridiculous, stupid, unnecessary, it may all seem

* It could happen to people close to us

*If we don't listen, we won't hear



Principles which can be used to control others can also be used to undo control





Anyone for Chess?


There was such a performance and so much time being spent in controlling women like Kelly almost daily. Perhaps it was something along the lines of Snakes & Ladders with fixed dice, but so very desperate, life-threatening even. There seemed no fun in it! And if you kill off too many vulnerable oponents, who will you torment? The robot jeered saying I was a bored wannabe at my computer, hanging on by a thread. I would have loved to put this to one side. I knew Kelly and others could not until other people realised how these things occur. Forewarned is forearmed, as the saying goes.

The Carousel was meaningful, each steed on a pole, forced round and round to someone's tune, unable to get off unless something happens. Or someone stops the ride to spoil all the fun: Of those who set it up. OK, I'm a spoiler wannabe.

I don't think people higher up could stop the ride and get off either. Clearly strategic planning went on somewhere, not connected with the frenzy of cult meetings. And someone went round collecting people to attend, generally as it grew dark so time varied, ticking names off a list to ensure that those who defaulted got extra 'therapy', or they paid for their independence some other way.

Fiction? I wish. Probably so did they from both sides of the fence:

Those 'with rank' who were Somebodies, and those 'without rank' who were Nobodies

For certain reasons the so-called Nobodies were much in demand

Perhaps they were needed to facilitate demons or forces of some kind

So they could give information or instructions to the cult higher-ups

Or to give them a sense of power



Somehow forces were playing through Kelly and her alters. Trixie and her kind were doing their very best or worst. I was doing mine. Perhaps it was somehow meant to be, I do not know. It seemed like a game of Chess with the opposing side tearing up the rule book, then chucking out the board.





A Different Path?


I tried to get glimpses of the thinking behind cult ritual abuse and ‘satanism’ as well as other cult-like groups, where these seem to impinge/take over the life of those involved. Choosing a so-called left-hand-path of development as a selfish path is one thing. Causing pain to others, emotional suffering and confusion, ruination, even death, is altogether something else. I looked at sadism and narcissism, Voodoo and anything else, and joined email groups of people proudly calling themselves satanists and joking about their attitudes and practices.

I like to satisfy myself that someone really does have a choice in their decisions and actions. Because, if someone else is calling the shots through bullying, intimidation, violence, seduction, involvement in drug-taking, then something needs doing about it. That is what our basic legal system and human rights are about, the right to freewill and action, at least in theory. We can surely get closer to what is fair, than the situation surrounding Kelly.

People who have trouble controlling themselves and their lives, may seek to control others. If they don’t believe in reincarnation, spirits of ancestors, or the concept of karma, they may be out for anything they can get in this lifetime, robbing people of their worldly goods, or syphoning off their physical time and energies. I hope nothing like this happens to you, but if it does there are books on protecting yourself psychically, in the same way as you put locks on your doors and windows to protect your house. Just because you don’t believe these things happen, that no-one would do them or it wouldn’t work, doesn’t mean that other people don’t do it, putting their very souls into it.

Most of us are similar in that once we were children, not as strong as adults around us, and not aware of options for later life. Perhaps this is one reason why children gang together, or as adults we join things or get drawn in, either with friends or by seeking out people to be with in a pairing relationship or group. There is safety in numbers, no longer small, alone, not listened to, unable to fight back.

Suppose now, a society or subculture which makes it their business in some way to control their children, children of others, weaker members, and thereby gain continuity of their beliefs and practices. There’s nothing unusual about this when it happens naturally via family practices, culture and belief systems, or on a wider scale in a region or country. George Orwell, Aldous Huxley, B.F. Skinner have written about utopias and control of society in a wide sense. Suppose you really think the end of the world is coming, except that certain people only will survive, and you want to ensure your survival over others. Or you think you are stuck with this world and will do your damnedest to maintain position, economically, socially, or in terms of control. Might you opt for a system of social and mental control, creating an underclass of vulnerable people who would be expendable or transferable like a commodity?

Possibilities are endless. You only have to witness stage hypnotism with genuine post-hypnotic suggestion being acted upon by subjects, to see what is possible, not with years of conditioning but just a little, acting on the subconscious of those who are susceptible. Increase the length of time and the indoctrination process, and more of us become susceptible quite easily.

All these things and more, make me suspicious of those detractors who deny that there ever can be any kind of ‘satanic’ or cult ritual abuse. We all like to think we are discerning and can winkle the possible from the impossible, the likely from the unlikely, the appropriate from the inappropriate. I believe use of ‘satanic’ or ‘satanism’ to be a bit of a red herring. There are plenty of satanists who are not involved in cult ritual abuse. Quite why they feel bound to insist that, because they don’t do it, no-one else does, I have no idea. Maybe it’s their idea of an in-joke. I would respect them and their beliefs more if they looked into it properly.

Other writers whom I admire for their critical thinking sometimes dismiss this whole subject in a brief paragraph in an otherwise excellent book. That is on their conscience not mine, but it seems a pity they even mentioned the subject. We can look further than the ends of our noses.

Someone I met by chance took the trouble to explain how she saw choosing a path of evil. She felt it was a spiritual path or choice. If one wishes to change that path or reverse a choice, the spiritual aspect needs taking into consideration, as well as the practices engaged in.

You may choose to read it or not, to believe any of it or not. Many small parts make up a picture. The picture is different for us all. I have been the scribe here because I believe it is important to convey some things I became aware of. I don’t believe I got all of them wrong.



Weird Wednesday


The next day was like the Mad Hatter's Tea Party. Some alters were writing in each others' style, telling me I was replying to the wrong person, yet not saying how to make contact with themselves. I was being fed snippets of information so I asked questions. 'Dah' came the reply from whoever. 'It's dumb for you to believe everything people say.'

It was all dumb to me, and some alters were in the thick of it, aware of crucial dynamics withheld so far and now dangled under my nose. This was another ploy which could take hours to unravel. Dumb for listening, dumb for checking, dumb for trusting anyone at all, dumb for trying to help. Dumb for thinking Kelly was naive. That she wanted to help others caught in the same maelstrom. Time would tell.



It didn't take long. I checked emails but all seemed quiet. Kelly had been distracted and was probably switching alters or busy with family. At the usual night-time hour emails arrived from her: 'There's someone in my driveway staring in. There's knocking at the door. There's never knocking at my door. Help, I'm scared.' Kelly had clearly had a brainwipe so as to have no idea of the risks. I was too late to help evade them this time.

Some people denigrate brainwashing, saying you can't wash a brain so anything anybody says about it is nonsense. As the robot alter would say 'Hahaha'. Let's hope they never have a brainwash or a brainwipe themselves. They wouldn't remember it, any more than Kelly and others like her could. How would people react to someone parked on their own driveway, inducing a fear that they cannot fathom? Someone had recently put considerable hours of work in on Kelly to render her tabula rasa with no means of defending herself. It was probably coming from the same source as the false information that I would be away on vacation and thus unavailable.

When Kelly did recall things she was a problem to those who threatened her, including her therapist who considered she had a handle on everything. Many things she did, but not all. The questions uppermost in my mind were: How could anyone afford to spend 8 hours during one week plus more over the weekend, conditioning Kelly and Daisy, and why? If they were too much trouble, why allow the continued risk they would act up or spill the beans? Could they be providing something the cult desperately needed, and that sometimes they were treated more as part of the in-crowd? Some alters knew more than they generally let on.

Was Kelly a front person, kept genuinely innocent for some reason? Sometimes she quickly grasped what was happening, but recently nothing was sticking long enough to act on. It concerned me that she might be taken away and punished by the cult. They could implant other personae or alters better suited to their requirements - and less trouble for them.

I knew the circumstances in which Kelly came on the scene to help out the host-person Caitlin, and to my way of thinking both had rights. What relevance did my way of thinking have to do with it!



A Dangle to Ponder


Daisy was in a state with something important to tell me. Several times Daisy had asked Trixie to promise something or to do something. On this occasion Trixie made things awkward for Daisy, who was scared that Kelly would get into trouble with her partner whom I call Phil. I did not find out how anyone in Kelly's small DID system could already know that something had gone wrong. I also considered it something-and-nothing, although it could be on the edge of something significant. (It turned out to be part of the game of Snatch, where Trixie would snatch things away, or refused to return items to Kelly or Daisy, see A Singular Mean-ing and more specifically How Some of it is Achieved.)

Phil was not a live-in partner and was mostly absent at weekends when Kelly was now at most risk. It obviously suited the cult and I had wondered about it, but Phil had reasons for being away. It was Phil who paid for Kelly's therapy as well as some household bills. Remember that saying about the person who pays the piper calling the tune?



Phil had been to see Trixie, and I commented to the person translating for Daisy: 'Phil will soon see that there's something seriously wrong with Trixie's boundaries. And what does Phil think about all those extra hours Kelly has in therapy?'

'Phil is in on all of it' came the reply, and nothing more was forthcoming. Another dangle for me to ponder.

Phil could be bossy and Daisy was never easy about it. Kelly opened up occasionally, but for the most part I tried to steer clear. Kelly went into the situation with her eyes open - so I thought. Now questions arose whether she had literally been set up, or if Phil was set up to support the therapy, with instructions to take Kelly to visit triggering places or people. I had been viewing things through eyes unaccustomed to the cult's ways, means and connections.

Phil had a history of befriending lone parents with young children. I do not believe there was an interest in the children sexually on Phil's part, but there was more of a caretaker role undertaken on behalf of the cult for their own reasons. One of Kelly's children could be of interest to the cult, through having some of Kelly's traits that were valued. I have no idea about the adults or children in other families that Phil befriended and paid towards.

This caretaker role could theoretically be undertaken by a male or female. Another feature of Kelly's life had been threats that her children would be taken away unless she consented to something. This was a general threat made to some mothers to get them to comply. Sometimes Kelly's children were taken away and later returned, this not always being carried out through official channels. Things like this seemed to go on in the area, with some people being aware though taking no action over them. Perhaps we should name it Conspiracy City or would that be taking things a deal side too far?

I could not see how or why Phil and Trixie could be colluding over Kelly's therapy of dubious nature. People say that collusion is an unconscious process. There was nothing unconscious about this, if it were as overt as the dangle implied. Kelly suggested a reason for Phil spending a lot of money on the therapy for her, which could have been a convenient cover story. I did not know the reality, and Kelly would not be aware. I'd had hopes of Phil sorting out some of the mess. Several times it crossed my mind that something was wrong, but the collusion scenario in particular had seemed too unlikely. I am not saying there is a definite connection here.

Some people might be cult-connected while not necessarily getting involved in cult rituals or meetings. Some aspects could be like a club: You'd probably know who is in the club, or there is a form of dress or behaviour so you can tell or guess. Other people would be clueless unless they had a reason to suspect. If you were not a Somebody or cult member with rank, or were not cult-connected, you were a Nobody like a cog in a machine or a commodity. Or you would be any ordinary member of the public - I'll opt to be one of those then ...

The point is:

Some people do not have an option. However they had got into the mess that took them towards the cult, there was not a 'However you can get out again' clause. Some do. It is not easy and it may take more than one determined effort or some help. The first step is to recognise the situation.

The question is:

How can someone like Kelly who is surrounded by strong people (apparently in cahoots with one another through whatever drove them cult-wards) explain it to others and get free? Kelly was told that, by insisting there was a local cult it showed she was psychotic. If she did not retract, she would not be allowed home from hospital.

It may help you to know:

It may help you to work out if anything along these lines is wrong in your own life, or that of someone you know. I believe the principles outlined in 'A Singular Yarn' may apply to some other single-parent families in Kelly's situation and/or location. It is in this spirit that the material is presented. There can be other reasons why people get involved in things that they cannot easily get out of, which would be a story for another day!

Hicktown Highjinx

Summary


Readers so far will know that the subject matter relates to cult ritual abuse, and various methods of coercion or confusion that may be employed on vulnerable people, who become unable to lead their own lives or plan their future. In Kelly's case, the story began with her being taken from her home - or wherever she was - on days in the week when her children were elsewhere. When they were home Kelly seemed permitted to lead an ostensibly ordinary life. If she managed to get work, it would somehow allow for attendance at cult meetings on afternoons or evenings when required. Kelly had been safe for about two years when it started up again, this time usually at weekends but sometimes on a week night too.

Kelly was naturally inclined to dissociate to some extent, but people around her knew how to use it to their advantage, and apparently implanted some personality alters as a control mechanism and to report back to the cult. But the cult needed something from Kelly and some of her alters. The wonder is that they treated her so badly, but that could have been a part of their sadistic game.

The purpose of this writing is to get across to those who can listen, that this is not always pie-in-the-sky. If people read what happens to a brave person like Kelly, they are better able to help themselves or someone they know. More people might get caught up in this than we like to think possible. Together we can do something about that. I tried to ensure that I was not playing into the charade, overly affecting what Kelly was thinking or fantasising, or with what others were actually doing. While some scenes have been combined for brevity, nothing has been added for dramatic effect. I spent a fair few hours on this overall. Think how very many must get put in by those implementing such insidious control.

Please do not assume that, because you do not do the things outlined here,

or you have not come across them, absolutely no-one else does them





Return of a Heroine


'No no no, aunti' wrote Daisy one morning, after sending me emails that were just too mundane. Daisy was a young and normally sassy five-year old alter to Kelly who was an intelligent, sensitive, and much maligned mother. Kelly was being abused in a cult setting, and was being deliberately confused about it, the most likely contender being her current therapist Trixie. There had been three long appointments with her in a week, which I was told contained instructions for young Daisy, being the most likely option to manipulate fairly easily using bribes, threats and play.

There were implications that Trixie wanted Kelly to take an overdose, and Kelly felt she wanted to go ahead. This kind of thing was pretty much par for the course and erupted every so often, but this time was deeply concerning. Kelly and I had discussed 'the Book' and confirmed our deal, that if anything happened to her I would write it. Or she could stick around and write her own thoughts.

Daisy had emailed late on a weekend night about a vehicle sitting outside on their driveway - a usual sign of a cult night. The robot alter joked with me that it would be back after dark, and wrote in big capitals that I was a loser. I goaded him with questions, and to my satisfaction he confirmed many of my thoughts about Trixie, telling me things I had not known. I made a comment which was a little close to home, and robot vanished like a genie back in a bottle.

Nolly who acted as an interpretor/protector but was still angry with me, came through and asked what was happening. I explained about the robot. Before I could warn her that it looked like a cult night, she reacted with 'Oh, goodnite madame' and she too was gone. At this rate I needed to brush up on communication skills.

The cult event that weekend seemed less unpleasant than most, and could have been held in someone's house. It seemed likely that it involved further conditioning. Usually Daisy would be upset and bruised after getting taken from home by the cult, wanting me to tell her a nice story. I asked Daisy some questions, phrased so that others could see I was not taken in.

Daisy realised there was a problem and asked if we were still friends. I said nothing had changed: 'I think people are saying stuff, pretending things did or didn't happen, are real or not, truth or lies when they're not. This will make sense to somebody else. They don't want you to write to me. They are playing a bad game with you and Kelly.'


When Kelly surfaced saying there was an appointment soon with Trixie, I hoped Trixie would change her tactics and normalise some of what had been happening. The Kelly who emerged from the session certainly sounded as if something had been smoothed out. Bits of Kelly were missing, particularly her memory, but she was not so fraught. I often had cause to think how good some therapists would be, if only they worked in the interests of their clients, and not the ones who paid the piper.







Conspiracy City or Hicktown Highjinx?


There are no guarantees that I have correctly interpreted everything that was said or implied

I do not know how widespread any of this is

I believe this does not only happen in what I name Conspiracy City or plain ol' Hicktown

Hicktown is probably an unusual or extreme example, so let's use it on that basis

Cult activities or awareness did not apply to everyone working in the police, or at the hospital, or as a therapist

If it helps one adult or child, it will have been worth it from my point of view

I cannot answer for Kelly whether it has been worth it

It is unlikely to be happening to just one vulnerable woman, finding herself alone for part of the week

Why was the suicide rate for young women abnormally high?

What about the children who attend these so-called safe places for help?





Might it be:

From things I recalled from the early days of my contact with Kelly, she had made some kind of deal concerning her children:

She would allow certain cult-related events to impinge on her own life, though having done nothing to warrant it

In return for that, the cult were to leave her children alone



Kelly always put her children first, so it would be natural to her way of thinking, to sign something that should mean her children would lead cult-free lives.



Now there's the rub because:

If Kelly's partner and her current therapist were somehow colluding to maintain control of Kelly, and if Kelly felt beholden to Phil for monies spent on the family -

a) How would Kelly even see what was happening?

b) If she had a dim recollection of what she signed, she would feel reluctant to rock the boat over the cult involving her

c) Why was Phil almost living in the nest with Kelly's children, enabling the therapy, plus leaving Kelly alone at weekends?

d) It looked as though someone was welching on something concerning what Kelly thought she agreed to

e) Why would any individual or group lead Kelly, or anyone, to believe they should enter such a deal? Sadly I have come across similar contracts elsewhere on other aspects, and they have been hard to break too

f) How is the cult, or whoever it is, enforcing these deals? -

i) Is able to welch on them

ii) Is able to welch on whatever they want and whenever they want

iii) Yet individuals cannot welch on deals, however unfair, unreasonable or downright impossible

iv) And even when their contracts are not kept by the cult




Notes:

I do not know if Phil was actively involved in the cult, or in anything subversive involving Trixie, or the therapy/conditioning meted out to Kelly, for a fee paid for by Phil.

And I did not yet know that Trixie and her form of therapy were as damaging as they seemed.





Fruitloop Therapy

Sock-knocking, Soul-shocking

Things were even worse. During a traumatic therapy session described by another alter, Kelly broke through her conditioning and challenged Trixie with 'What the hell is going on?' and stormed out. I knew she could. Trixie seemed flummoxed, saying 'Well someone came out'. The idea had been to trigger one of the alters in the system to show up, and go out to be hurt, as though pied-piperwise they might not return. Trixie probably thought it would be a doddle this time.

After explaining to me what she remembered, Kelly grew vague, wanting to hear Trixie's version to help make sense of things. She was unaware of a reprehensible form of therapy involving Daisy who had vanished, deeply shocked. Kelly too had been turned inside out, and had said so to Trixie, yet felt she needed further ministrations from her. See how it works - sure thing! I can personally recommend how to deal with these evil sockshockers and subversive fruitloopers.

Trixie and her croney phoneys went too far and grew too clever for their purposes. Using crude methods of control, they tried to amp things up into grander stuff, not thinking that some in the system might be developing awareness. The fruitloopers failed to spot it, and had not honed their skills.


While Kelly went unwittingly and unwillingly to abhorrent cult meetings where her body was abused and her mind shocked, it did not get deep into her soul. To allow people into her psyche by attending the 'therapy' sessions, was to risk compromising her very being. To me, a bad therapist is similar to a bad priest, and you would not want their ministrations either. Sadly, people like this can look quite wholesome and fool the very best. These people know no boundaries: It is how they operate. I believe in choices, and Kelly had an important one to make - as I knew she had before.

People who encounter bullying, a bad group experience, a con-man or cult involvement, child abuse or torment, domestic violence or a subversive therapist, often have similarities in how it affects them. It takes a long time to start getting back together, after realising its nature. The remedy sought needs to be beneficial, and never allowed to get worse than the original experience.

What happened to Kelly through her involvement with Trixie seemed specific to the prevailing cultic situation, and there were some other aspects, not all included here or known to me.

The general principles (for want of a better description) behind getting fruitlooped, are the same.





What Drives Cultic Behaviour?


Your guess will be as good as mine!

Others have written about different aspects of cult ritual abuse

There could be fringe benefits for some cult members, to the detriment of other members or other people

There could be people on the fringe of cult meetings, involved from time to time but not wholly in on it

There could be cult-connected individuals or activities serving some mutual purpose

Anything to do with cults of this nature will be heavily weighted in favour of the cult

Cults like the one outlined thrive on cruelty and confusion

There would be strong components of reward and punishment, threats and misinformation

The cults need to prevent people from realising the issues, or being able to leave

It takes a very great deal of time and organisation to enforce the status quo and membership that they require



Price of Getting Connected


Humans live in a paradoxical state, because most of us like to feel free to make choices. There are times when we need to belong in a family or group or neighbourhood. And times when we need to be alone or cut ourselves off from some aspect of others or their behaviour. Some things that we would dearly love to do, lie behind doors closed to us for some reason or none. How nice it would be if some fairy godmother or godfather came along to sort it out for us, for now and for ever. What might we agree to, if we were really desperate, on the streets, needing an operation, needing help for a loved one?

Remember Dr Faustus and the deal that he made to compromise his very soul

See the ads on TV for instant loans, instant solutions, instant gratification

The day of reckoning is deferred and ever deferrable, as you plead your need and go deeper down the ever-deepening hole

People allow connections to things or to people that they otherwise would not touch - let alone get connected with

It becomes an insidious path where boundaries blur and events merge


Needs must as the devil drives

And devil take the hindmost!



The word connected has different connotations for people. It is used here to convey similarities there seem to be in essence between Mafia hierarchies, and what I learned along the way of this type of cult, and about cults more generally. People have a right to believe in what they want, which is now backed by legislation. Some people who follow different lifestyles get angry when their families yank them away, and more harm can be done by this than by the chosen lifestyle. We need to keep balance and perspective.

Legislation in the UK began to cater for something termed grievous or actual bodily harm to the mind, related originally to a case of stalking behaviour. It seems that this would be a step in the right direction regarding cult intrusions, or any other infringement of personal boundaries and basic humanitarian rights.

There were apparent similarities in what I heard of the cult around Kelly, and Mafia protection rackets that force people to pay in order to trade, live their lives, or live at all. Threats to close family go straight for the emotional jugular. Deals get made at different levels of the hierarchy, and different groups may co-exist to an extent.

People welching on deals or fighting over territory leads to mayhem. There are rules to watch out for, and actions are planned and controlled. People know the name of the game for levels of rank or nature of participation. There are some similarities with this particular Hicktown.

Somewhere along the line, the cult of these pages from our Conspiracy City, has evolved
(if that is an appropriate word)

Into a veritable Mafia
(used literally and metaphorically)

And it is apparently operating without rules
(whether or not it actually started out that way)


What does that make it?

Out of control

And ?

Needing to be recognised and dealt with


Or?

Worse even than the Mafia!



Rationale


1. People belong to the cults often without knowing it at a conscious level, and without being able to do much about it

2. Society in general and academics in particular are led to disbelieve that it can or does go on

3. There must be a reason or a belief system behind putting people through the experiences

4. A reason or reasons for the denials and denigration of those who speak out; and reason/s why the denials have effect

No-one has to believe any of this. Not all of these things happen to people involved in ‘satanic’ or other cult ritual activity, and certainly not to many people in therapy. If some of the words, phrases or concepts, or sheer incredibility latch onto your curiosity or onto something meaningful, that is what this is meant for:

* To de-mystify the otherwise unbelievable

* To show these things can happen

* That they are basically an extension of other aspects of human behaviour, however inhuman, crass, ridiculous, stupid, unnecessary, it may all seem

* It could happen to people close to us

*If we don't listen, we won't hear



I don't think people higher up could stop the ride and get off either. Clearly strategic planning went on somewhere, not connected with the frenzy of cult meetings. And someone went round collecting people to attend, generally as it grew dark so time varied, ticking names off a list to ensure that those who defaulted got extra 'therapy', or they paid for their independence some other way.

Fiction? I wish. Probably so did they from both sides of the fence:

Those 'with rank' who were Somebodies, and those 'without rank' who were Nobodies

For certain reasons the so-called Nobodies were much in demand

Perhaps they were needed to facilitate demons or forces of some kind

So they could give information or instructions to the cult higher-ups

Or to give them a sense of power





Principles which can be used to control others can also be used to undo control

Is all of this simply part of human nature gone wild, or behaving like animal groups with some clearly dominant individuals, some striving to be dominant, some not strong enough, able or willing to change the status quo? Could this be what this cult ritual abuse thing was about, to ensure the survival in an advantaged (rather than disadvantaged) state, of some of the fittest or most devious, acting as a group or network over and above the rest?

Will humans always be like this in their workplaces, homes or communities, with supremacist words and behaviours thinly disguised by social veneer and compromise? Is it a covert system, taking the place of overt, warrior-like behaviours? Perhaps this is why we deny it to a large degree, both to ourselves and others, presuming that we know reality for what it is, in order to feel more comfortable.

We need to know more about abusive behaviours, and inequalities in areas that keep some people vulnerable. The most vulnerable tend to be further abused, put upon, ignored, or further confused. Kelly knew it was happening to others in her area, and some people who'd known her a long time were aware in some sense of her situation, and about some of the people involved.

It was a strange co-existence

Could any of us get entangled?



The reader must choose where to draw the boundary on anything

It is about choice and boundaries: Don't let other people erode them -

Or Con you into thinking they are different from what you feel is right







Reasons for this Scenario?


More Than Dreamt of...


'There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy'


At the risk of sounding like a cheap novel with witches on broomsticks or a Dennis Wheatley yarn, things got worse after Kelly stormed out of her therapist Trixie's office demanding to know what had happened. How much connection there was with the cult remained to be seen when things settled. What happened to Kelly through her involvement with this therapist seemed specific to the prevailing cultic situation, and there were other aspects, not all included or known to me.

The following day I checked regularly for emails, thinking Kelly would be in a bit of a state or worse. By evening there was nothing. Then samples of Kelly's narrative arrived, written by her that day and looking worth a read. She surprised me and surpassed everyone by rising above the situation and getting on. But she was not being very earthly over what happened, and crucial dynamics were tragically missing. She still hoped Trixie would let her have another appointment.

Next day the robot sent a raft of emails haha-ing that the coming night was one to watch out for and I would not be able to save Kelly. 'It's curtains for you then' I wrote heading my emails Eejit, for Idiot. That night while I was online, suddenly all hell let loose as Kelly was bombarded with loud music, noises outside, whistling and whatever. The general whatever continued till she fled to another room to hide. People cannot play blaring music in a residential street without drawing attention. It could be reaching her house via computer, or a little speaker that she didn't know about. The intention was to make her think she was crazy or actually to make her crazy. It could have been a trigger to make her think it was loud music.

If I was right, the situation had become more like gangstalking. There is also gaslighting which is inducing fear in people, which had always been a feature of Kelly's life. See 'Did You Call the Cops?' and Amping or Ramping Up. If you convince people that something bad will happen if they don't get out of the house, they get out of the house. Simples, as the Meercat says in the ad.

Next day I checked regularly for emails. Nothing. I went online in the evening as Kelly began to email. She asked if she should take pills to help her sleep as she had the night before. I suggested she keep them in case trouble started again. 'It is' she said wearily. 'Music, noises outside.' I had asked overnight if she could circumvent my questions by thinking who would go to such lengths and why. She evaded every attempt at some tiny inroad into working on something. She was in a bad state and I did not want to get spikey and intrusive.

'Make the music stop' she pleaded. I said that if I was there, I would try turning off the computer to see if it came from there, and go into the various rooms to track it down. 'Maybe I should have gone to the hospital today' Kelly wrote.

'Oh, people do awful things to you, and you go to the hospital!' I replied. 'I don't think so, do you?' causing a small spark to flare in her.

She wrote a jumbled sentence, and we drew to a close as she grew sleepy. Nolly the interpreter came through with 'Someone went to see Trixie today to collect their stuff but no-one remembers.' I had thought Kelly slept all day, as did she.

Kelly had been concerned about personal items left in Trixie's office. Things like this were not supposed to happen, i.e. Trixie harped on about phoney therapeutic boundaries, and then she broke the lot. I tried to find out what was left in her office and in what circumstances, but that was another embargo. Nolly was always evasive when I wrote about Trixie. Now when I wrote that Trixie had upset Daisy, Nolly, sleepy and confused with pills, was concerned: 'Yes, Daisy is hiding somewhere'.

I too was concerned for Daisy who was vulnerable and had been used. There was also no-one to front for Kelly when things got too much, or to alert me to a cult activity. Whether one believes in psychic attack or not, people were attacking her mentally, for what? Would you expect people outside your house harassing you two nights in a row, for having a spat with a therapist? I don't think so, do you?



Dissociated Complexes or Alter Personalities

There is a book on psychic self-defence by Dion Fortune which is a kind of classic, a bit outdated but most people with an interest in the paranormal or occult are aware of it.

From memory - I don't want to have to go through it - she mentions people's auras where pictures or forms are apparently visible to clairvoyant sight, showing things without working it all out the hard way. The crucial point is that when these forms split off from the main persona, they can take on independent life of their own. Worth looking into in relation to alters and DID?

I wondered if each clairvoyant saw the same things in the same way, if it was possible to miss something huge, or interpolate things. Psychics had homed in on me with their unwanted views about this or that in my life. This included some of Kelly's so-called 'protectors'. People can project things so strongly towards other people that it may actually affect them, becoming almost a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is worth bearing in mind, and resisting!

There is a suggestion among psychic researchers that certain types of people, and how they handle emotions, are more likely to have spooky things happen around them. I've known ordinary people who seem to get what they want by willing it really hard, and not giving a damn about consequences. It seems to have something to do with bottled up emotions or unacknowledged needs. Call it one's Shadow or dark-side, or whatever you want to.



Psychic Powers Not Worth the Candle

When cultic attempts to destroy Kelly failed and Marta realised I was involved, they tried to get at me too, but I was far away and not the least psychic. It backfired, apparently scaring their socks off. It seemed to work like an electrical circuit and following the line of least resistance - Believe it or not. What they did not know and I later recalled, was that I had been involved in something at a very old church on behalf of a relative, and not my usual haunt. It seemed to help. I was not a churchy person though came from a line of movers and shakers. Perhaps that was how I became involved over Kelly and this cult.

I never felt particularly celtic, whereas Marta created a phoney celtic persona for herself. I knew what worked for protection if I felt threatened, whether it's what the books or experts recommend or not. A chunk of wood, a pretty scarf, a leather bag, would do for me. Plus keeping my head down and staying out of it. And an uplifting picture on the computer screen of a flower, a scene, or a cute animation.

I've made little mention of Kelly's psychic sensitivity, but she seemed to have the goods. She was boasting about her powers again which some psychics will tell you is a stupid thing to do. Unfortunately I got the impression that this was what took Kelly into occult country in the first place. Now it, or someone involved, apparently would not let her go. People were indeed scared of Kelly, blaming her for not foreseeing things, and for ailments in their family. A weird email arriving alongside a host of the usual ones, caused me to recall something.

For some years I knew a psychic woman who got highly emotional, and appeared to have a psychic involvement in someone's car crash. She was no innocent regarding rituals. She laid it on thick to me how she did nothing, she just thought of the person, and cried and cried, and did this and this, and would I believe what just happened! It fell on deaf ears and we lost touch. Would this kind of thing happen with Kelly?

Kelly had recently done some things while in a quandary, and she too used the innocence defence. Her own writing may reveal more of her thinking on this field, what she called the Universe. In our early days when we talked of whether people might envy her the psychic gifts, she offered to pass them to me, saying 'I can give you them.' No, thank you.

It isn't worth the candle unless you're stuck with it. But wouldn't it be handy if ... ?



You're Scared of Me!

I could understand Kelly's desperation but parts of it wore thin. She would then say I was scared. I told her and Nolly 'I am not scared of you. But there are others in your system who are mixed up with some really bad people.' I never got a reply. After all this time I knew little of what constituted Kelly and her alters. Kelly often asked if one day we could meet up for coffee and a shopping trip. When all avenues in her own area closed in on themselves, she or Daisy would say they were coming to live in my basement. We don't have one and anyway.. Shopping trip maybe later, much later. I did know something of the people around Kelly, and one reason for my early involvement was Marta haranguing me about it. It was kind of personal, but not the reason why I continued.

Anything I said about myself was recycled by Kelly's system and fed back at intervals, including some red herrings. Now I put nothing into the melting pot. One alter persona recently asked my views on Kelly's children and I refused to get involved. Kelly did not know and I forgot, that our correspondence lapsed 2-3 years earlier when Kelly repeatedly pushed me to comment concerning her children, some of it legal issues. I imagined Marta concocting a plan to push me down a deep ethical and legal blackhole. There were too many questions about my life. 'Who wants to know, and why?' I began asking, receiving a phoney explanation like people give when hypnotised to do something daft.

People can have mixed recollections or even fabricate a whole scenario. We cannot always know, and cannot judge, whether all the suffering is caused from outside, or from within, or half-and-half. We fabricate or confabulate when we don't recall something, the subject is hazy, or it does not connect with things we're certain of. People use it to explain/ explain away, all memories that people like Kelly have, implying that it never happened to this person, therefore nothing like it has ever happened to anyone. That sure is not logical, and could lead us all into a tangled web. Sounds like a confab to me Tommy!



The Web

Kelly wrote a paragraph for her part of 'the Book' reflecting that she was once more ensnared by others in a gigantic web. She asked if she would survive if that web were suddenly removed. I too wondered as I put in chunks of time hoping something would gel, with a feeling of before it's too late. Kelly would start with ordinary aspects of her life, unearthing questions of increasing severity. She then threw in something of epic scale, begging me to sort it right now along with everything else. How had any of it got this way? Was she serious about extricating herself? Could she effectively do anything? If she managed in the shortterm, how would things be 2 years on? I do not like to write these things.

I noticed with Daisy that she contacted me after a cult night, spinning out emails over several hours with 'Can you help me just dis one day?' It is natural for people in trouble to seem attention-seeking, but there comes a point where one wonders if something is an elaborate set-up:

Let's not waste time looking at anything useful for our life; No let's go waste someone else's

More information on this appears in the Addendum

Could all of this be an elaborate set-up to ensnare folks like me? But for what? To knock us down again perhaps, as happened to therapists trying to sort out the miasma. If you make people look egg-on-face-wise because they believe something, and then you claim they were naive or deluded (even evil, as I heard one expert strangely say), what might be happening behind the scenes which no-one will believe? It's called deniability, a term used by real live spooks. Ay, there's the rub.

HAMLET:
To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;





Therapy for the Children

The effect of all this on Kelly's growing children bothered me, and how many nights she was getting taken by the cult. There are 7 nights in a week, and things were happening disproportionately to my awareness, and perhaps always had done though not to my awareness.

Kelly asked a friend if she would allow her child to see Trixie for therapy. I queried whether Kelly had plans to send her own children for therapy, and she asked 'No, why would I?' - Well perhaps because Kelly often asked me to comment on her children's mental welfare. She should know I would not stick a diagnostic label on anyone. That is the game that gets people into a therapy mess, especially when linked to a cult-spun web.

Perhaps also because Phil, the close friend who paid for Kelly's therapy, had an intriguing though unendearing habit, of befriending lone parents and paying for them plus their children to have therapy. Now that's a really bad idea. Phil was away and, prior to this, appeared to be wining and dining elsewhere using Kelly's credit card. Another family perhaps? Another contrived affair? There were questions I'd have liked to ask of Phil. I'll probably never get the chance, and would not get straight answers. In the past someone, probably Marta, applied for credit cards in Kelly's name, and spent large sums that Kelly hadn't a cat-in-hell chance of paying. Then Kelly would get punished for having 'no monni' as Daisy had put it.

If Kelly took her children anywhere near Trixie, that would effectively eject me from the scene. I had told Kelly I would have to consider my position if she continued to see Trixie longterm. So much information and trauma zinging around can draggle one's thinking-cap, but I knew I could not be involved even on the sidelines, if this went forward for Kelly's children. I would find another way.



Kelly had been harassed beyond what most human beings can envisage, let alone handle. I had been online especially during night-time hours, over a whole week plus the previous fortnight. I learned that one of the reasons Kelly seemed able to cope was not just her own dissociative style, but actually the psychic attacks that she was subject to, the loud music and whatevers. It was like giving her ECT, electro-convulsive therapy: It made her forget. It made me recall hours spent in mental hospitals when we still had those, chatting to people who received ECT which is still given to people, and is yet another story for another day.

The cult must put the session down in their little black book as a brainwipe night, brainswiping, or giving some scramble. That has demystified that then. One day I will let you in on the descriptive phrase that I have put down for them in mine.



Reasons for This Scenario

Throughout 'the Book' I have described things as they occurred between Kelly and myself or as they occurred in my thoughts. The aim is to encapsulate it so that others may avoid a fate worse than death. There may be anomalies through how things unfolded over the years, and what was known at the time or general blips. They can be looked at in hindsight and a spirit of enquiry rather than criticism or denial. Some information linking aspects has been excluded, as have details on Kelly's family situation and of some perpetrators, for their privacy and for expedience.

Kelly had no recollection of the events around the therapy session when she realised something was wrong, stood up for herself on key issues, and walked out. She had gone back there and questioned some more. She followed up her concerns with Trixie by email and telephone. She went to collect her belongings, i.e. not intending to return after that. She was then subjected to something like gangstalking at her home. It is possible the cult gained direct access to her and conditioned her to forget. She was in no position to make a realistic decision about further cult-related therapy, or about any cult involvement. It is no wonder Kelly pleaded for help while being unable to take effective action herself.

Why do people in domestic violence situations not just get up and go? If you thought your children might get harmed if you stood up for yourself, what would you do? And if someone forced or deceived you into making a pact of some kind, with the devil or someone nasty, to keep your children safe, what could you do? You might tell someone like me, by which time there is so much confusion in people's minds that it gains no foothold. Things can change!

Why did I not just explain that particular week to Kelly? Good question. How would you handle such information from her point of view? There is an experiment where rats give up when they are presented with impossible circumstances: They stop trying to survive, they give up the ghost, and die.

This must be some psychological experiment in social control then?



Bad things can happen to people through no reason or fault of theirs or anyone else's. That is life. What I have never been able to grasp is why anyone could, or would, make things worse or more confusing for others, on a random basis and particularly a concerted one. There were no questions in my mind over whether they should or should not do it, and whether they should get away with it. None.

If people wish to take part in activities that horrify others, I probably wouldn't queue up to stop them. What I objected to was the lack of choice, and the fact that a so-called therapist with a so-called safe environment for traumatised and vulnerable people including children, lured them in to destroy them. That cannot be right.

Remember 'The Blue Lamp' and Dixon of Dock Green? That would be good for this particular Hicktown. What it needs is more lamplight!





This story is unfortunately not a fairy tale and not a fabrication. If people tell you that it does not happen, or it cannot happen, maybe they can explain to me how anyone can possibly know that, however learned they are.

If anyone wants me to retract it, why would you?

There will be detractors. But things can improve. The chances of cults and perpetrators continuing to get away with things because they can, or because no-one listens or believes, will be greatly reduced.

I tried to ensure that I was not playing into the charade, overly affecting what Kelly was thinking or fantasising, or with what others were actually doing. While some scenes have been combined for brevity, nothing has been added for dramatic effect.

Not all of the subjects mentioned happen to everyone with cult ritual abuse or mind-control experience. If something is relevant to you, I hope it helps you to read about it. It is not meant to upset you.

Please do not assume that, because you do not do the things outlined here, or you have not come across them, absolutely no-one else does them.


Could any of us get entangled?

The reader must choose where to draw the boundary on anything

It is about choice and boundaries: Don't let other people erode them -

Or Con you into thinking they are different from what you feel is right




The Publisher regrets that it is not possible to enter into correspondence on individual cases, or to comment further on the material appearing here. 


You may print a copy for yourself or for someone you know who may benefit. The material is Copyright.



Useful Links - Use Your Judgement

A book may include only a couple of paragraphs of relevance to you, but can be well worth it. A little moral support from one other person goes a long way to change the dynamics of an individual's life. Groups are strange creatures, and can be turned around for better rather than for worse. Perhaps it needs just one person to give moral support, for someone else to feel able to speak out or to stand for or against something.

If you know someone who is dissociative, or you think they could be a survivor of cult ritual abuse, follow your instincts and offer support where you can. Things are not always what they seem but they could be. You don't need to be an expert to make a difference, but you don't have to try. Don't put yourself at risk from over-involvement.

If you are not sure, or are concerned about your own situation, whether you are a survivor of abuse, of cult ritual abuse, or think you may be involved in what other people call a cult in a broad sense, give yourself time to work out what is important. Find out what you can. Get support if you can. One organisation or person may be able to help over one small aspect that makes a big difference, even if it is just by being there.

A search on Amazon or Google will help you to find what you are looking for. Also see Lucela's List for background reading, and the Links section. Use your judgement.