I had been curious for some time about intermittent sarcasm at me from Kelly and DaisyMay, the 5year old alter of Kelly who spoke when Kelly could not. Nolly the 'interpreter/protector' was usually placatory and semi-formal. Why was she now calling me a witch? That term was used by Kelly when I could not be manipulated. Perhaps things were too much for Nolly and she would disappear like others had before her. Kelly seemed to spend several evenings in someone else’s house using Hotmail. I thought she was out of town with an online friend, but she claimed to be in her home town and was using her home computer later in the day.
One Monday I was online at an unusual time for me in the morning when Daisy emailed. ‘Do you want to do some MSN now?’ I asked. ‘No aunti, me tired, me just got home’ came her reply. So they were actually going somewhere. When Nolly appeared I explained that I knew they were going somewhere local, and Daisy had let slip they just got home.
Although Kelly was disorientated and scared while in the other house, she did not generally seem in too threatening a situation and was not locked in. What disturbed me was the colour of the typing in alternate black and red letters, or elaborate graded colours spooky to me. It seemed to be a cult house although Kelly had no conscious recollection. Something seemed to have been happening for 3 months which neither Kelly, Daisy nor Nolly had told me. Was there someone in the system who knew, someone innate there or recently put into place by Marta or the cult?
Kelly’s children had not been home in the week, leaving her vulnerable and open to access by Marta or someone from the cult. Middle of the night emails arrived that they were scared and there were noises outside, then no further mention was made. Daisy wanted a bath while I was online, because of cuts and bruises probably acquired at main cult meetings or more private events. One day when Daisy went for a bath, I renewed my Internet connection so we would not get cut off. Towards the end of the second chat period I was in for a surprise.
‘Bunni, big teeth’ appeared on the MSN chat screen. ‘Yes, I see’ I replied. ‘Hurt mes. Witl Keli. Bunni come, egg.’ There was more of this until Nolly intervened. ‘It’s Little Kelly. She says the Easter bunny raped her the last 2 nights. You were not supposed to hear. It will be back tonight. Stop talking to her now please. Nothing will come of it. Close your screen.’
At a time when email alerts to my mobile should have stopped, somehow I received many from Little Kelly. The Easter bunny was at the door and she was scared. I kept replying and it is my belief that, because this young person was engaging with me, no-one in Kelly’s system answered the door and the cult member/s went away. Generally this happened after an hour as they simply had to leave without her, to get to their destination in time: Unless they managed to get someone in Kelly’s system to open the door, or unless the visitors had a key.
Sometimes it was hard to engage with Kelly or anyone in her system, with none of us having much to say. Once Kelly and I discussed the local geography and the people living in her town and those attending her children’s schools, and she had good awareness of the general situation despite her strange isolating situation. I had been trying to see whether there was any ‘get out of jail’ clause for Kelly, perhaps in a neighbouring city depending on what she knew or if someone might help.
Kelly returned to that conversation out of the blue around Easter, talking about places and situations with map references. It was so different from anything I could know first-hand or would find in books. What was bizarre and she had no idea of, was I was struggling to complete an essay not in my field. She would have helped had she known, but what she said fitted hand-in-glove. Subsequently Kelly would refer briefly to some of this when there was not much she wanted to say, and the maps helped me to understand the area.
Kelly and I chatted for an hour on Good Friday saying nothing of the Easter bunny, and arranged to meet online when she’d be home with the children on Easter Sunday. There were emails Saturday evening saying she was scared and there were noises, but the children were there. I signed in on Sunday and nothing happened so I stayed doing other things. An hour later Kelly’s ID showed on my MSN screen.
‘Who you?’ someone wrote. ‘Well who do you think?’ I typed. I thought Kelly was having a joke. 'This is me Lucy, so now we got that out the way, who are you?’
‘I don’t know who I am or where. I’m scared.’ Frankly, this was the last thing I expected and it was worrying.
‘Oh, that’s not nice. Do you know where your children are?’ I gave their names. ‘I don’t know them. Do you have children?’ came the reply.
‘Do you think you are at home? Maybe you went to visit Brenda’ I said. ‘I don’t know any Brenda. Do I know you?’ she asked.
‘Well, we chat sometimes on MSN. Do you know what kind of place you are in?’ I tried again to make some sense of it. Kelly could be strange, but not like this.
‘In a big house, I think. Smoke. Dirty, it smells. I want to leave. Can you come get me?’ she pleaded.
‘I would if I could do. But I’m a long way away. Where are you?’
‘I don’t know. Hawaii, India’ she wrote. ‘You are in Iraq, I think.’ Her interaction was interspersed with row after row of ‘I think’ with little input from my end.
Kelly, or whoever I was talking to, said she found the computer switched on, she was in a room with no bed or couch to rest on, and there were things she could not tell me. She did say things indicating she was in real trouble.
I told her we would talk properly when she was safe and back home, and reminded her that if something happened to her and she was not safe, I would write ‘the Book’. She did not know what I was talking about. I suggested we take a break and return in an hour. I signed in but there was nothing from her end for another hour. When her ID showed I wondered if the Kelly I knew, or Daisy or Nolly would appear, but it was the same sad, scared and disoriented person.
‘You are locked in’ she said. ‘The handle is turning, I think.’
‘Is that happening there?’ I asked. ‘No, I think’ came the reply.
‘OK, well when you are safe and back in your own home, we can chat normally and it will be a lot easier.’
‘I think’ she wrote a few times. ‘Safe. Not safe. Write Book.’
‘Yes, if you are not safe, I will write the Book’ I said.
‘Noises, scared.’ A string of jumbled letters spread across my screen, then more, then more. I thought someone was coming and put my online status to Away, hoping someone would think me gone from the computer and they might type a message as happened before from Marta. Kelly’s ID went to offline and I signed right out.
Since Easter of the previous year, Kelly had been through constant hell on earth, and I was often online shortly afterwards when she was in physical pain, too dizzy to write more than a few words to reassure me, then lie on the floor. We had come full Easter circle and I did not know what would be next. What was likely, if Kelly did not give up or go crazy, was that she would come online next as if nothing happened but a normal family Easter.
I cannot prove to you that these things happened. I believe I can demonstrate them so that thinking people can consider the implications if they wish. And I can say, as Kelly did many times ‘Who would do this?’ and 'Why?'
If people never hear these things from someone who can express themselves, how will they have a handle, if out of the blue on some ordinary afternoon, they come across a kind but angry Kelly, sensitive Caitlin, engaging Daisy, quaint Nolly, Little Kelly, or a nasty Easter bunni?
Several months later as we approached another Christmas, much had happened, only some of which I was aware of. Kelly was aware of little, which was fortunate as she remembered less pain. It was also impossible for her to avoid its recurrence, today, tomorrow, next year.
Most people have faculties in their brains to help with co-ordinating memories and thinking things through with relevant information. If someone like ‘a Marta’ obliterates conscious awareness or memory in ‘a Kelly’ it stands to reason that ‘Kelly’ cannot avoid ‘Marta’. S/he who controls memory controls too much. Kelly confided she thought she was losing her mind. She asked whether her accounts of what she recounted over the years were consistent, with the inference that she was probably telling the truth if they were. I was able to confirm that her accounts were consistent, except when she elected to consider them to be awful dreams, to save herself further shock and pain.
For readers who think these obliteration strategies simply would not work on intelligent people, you could try books written by stage hypnotists of any repute, and look at confusional techniques of NLP or so-called street hypnosis. Add the dissociation induced by perpetrators of the Game so that other alters are effectively in place and operational, and perpetrators think they can carry out their will with no backlash. There is more I could say here but this puts my point. People are free to dismiss whatever they wish, and go off to do something else. I am free to write this. Kelly and others like her are not free. How did this happen? See Reasons for This Scenario.
Kelly made further allegations about Marta to people she knew, and I hoped the dynamics would change for the better. Within a week Kelly was summoned to see a mental health professional who said Kelly was behaving psychotically, and could no longer see the people whom she told. I am not saying this mental health professional is part of a cover-up, rather that he followed what he was told or believed, or what he felt best for the situation. People might close ranks to save a split or manipulation, or when faced with a tricky situation.
Kelly and I did not communicate much via MSN for several months. I was involved elsewhere and Kelly was not recalling or relating much. I thought we were being set up by Marta to fail, by her demoralising Kelly and having her abused mainly in a cult setting but sometimes in a smaller group. I no longer had Marta’s current email address. Marta deleted her profile and photo when I told a robot it was stupid to leave it up on the Internet. Marta changed her distinctive vehicle after I told Daisy it stood out like a sore thumb. At that time Daisy and a robot, both from Kelly’s small DID system, were reporting back to Marta via email and when they met.
Nolly told me Marta used her vehicle for ‘rounding’ on cult nights when she drove round the neighbourhood rounding up people like Kelly for meetings. Another word was ‘harvesting’ but that could be used in a different sense regarding gaining energies etc. from them. Survivors like Kelly use phrases about ‘getting hurt’ or ‘getting taken’ which obviously can be used in a more usual sense, but they can be pointers to someone’s continuing involvement and abuse.
Kelly kept in touch with me via email and I tried to offer support without being too involved. It seemed Marta was trying to control the situation, getting me online and virtually wasting my time. I thought it was bugging Marta that she had not excluded me. She was trying to win both ways, a double-bind that ran through her behaviour. Why was Marta now emailing me with inane comments ten months later? She had not stopped Kelly and myself communicating. Kelly was suffering periods of missing time, bruises appearing on her body, losing items she had bought or taken home. I do not believe these to be confusion or flakiness on her part, but that someone did things around her deliberately.
The week Marta contacted me there was a spate of messages from Kelly, Daisy and someone else in the system who spoke to me before. I replied to each email, and sent one to Nolly saying Marta was playing a serious game. Interestingly, Nolly hit the roof. Her usual role was to interpret, and she was bothered at her reaction saying she felt strange. She thought I was wrong that Marta considered me any kind of problem. Nolly’s information and insights were invaluable, but I felt she did not grasp motivations in the serious games that people play. Control freaks and bullies at their most intense can be deadly indeed.
At first it seemed useful for Nolly to be thinking and behaving more like Kelly, but it became worrying when Nolly asked if people could explode as that’s how she felt. Some robot and ‘protector’ alters had done just that, and Nolly was a crucial safety mechanism. We caught up on MSN chat, Nolly first, then Daisy and finally Kelly. They were in a great deal of pain after a ritual where Kelly answered questions while being tortured. She was told she had to be ‘pure’ in order to receive what was 'bestowed'. (Text from this is pasted in at the end of this section - Kelly did not recall writing it.) No-one knew who opened the door to go the ritual or who wrote that section. I hoped we'd be able to move things along. I was trying to find out more about the ideology of cults like Marta’s. Several times I tried to engage alter personalities in a discussion about old religions and beliefs, but they did not take me up on it. It seemed like an irrelevance.
I also wanted to know how it is that so many people find it impossible to credit their existence, even just a little. It is a double con-trick because:
1. People belong to the cults often without knowing it, and without being able to do anything about it
2. Society in general and academics in particular are led to disbelieve that it can or does go on
3. There must be a reason or a belief system behind putting people through the experiences
4. A reason or reasons for the denials and denigration of those who speak out; and reason/s why the denials have effect
I could go into more detail about spiels of denial swallowed by intelligent and otherwise discerning audiences. I have sat through them. It is not enough for people to cite similar allegations from down the ages as proof that people are duped by 'Kellys' who believe they endured horrific experiences. It warrants consideration that they still endure them and can sometimes describe them, and that a perpetrator like Marta contacts me in her gloating, bullying fashion.
Below is pasted some text appearing on my screen during MSN after Kelly described being raped during a cult meeting and branded with hot metal. After such sessions Kelly would ask if I could be online while she had a bath to rid herself of the outer effects of rape. On this occasion she chatted some more until getting dizzy and needing to lie down. Clearly there is an ideology, but why the brutality? Why does Kelly usually not recall any of these things? Why does she have no choice? Do people with power in the cult have a choice? What happens if they refuse to play their role, or cannot do something for some reason? Where in their spiritual development do people make these decisions and vows? With what consequences for themselves and others?
Is it true that 'You shall not talk about the cult and live' as the robot said'? Why then was Kelly permitted to tell me things, then punished severely, and on it went for yet another round, another year or five?
Marta was obsessed with angels and white light, channelling and any New Age or spiritual philosophy which most people regard as acceptable for those who believe in them, or at worst harmless. Marta attended a church of Christian denomination, as do many involved in cults like hers. Cult rituals could happen around any particular saint’s day, plus concepts taken from Buddhism, or Voodoo, or just anything the cult chose.
This is what someone in Kelly’s DID system wrote in another colour:
are you the mother earth
are you pure of heart body and soul
are there things you must repent
are there secrets you must confess
dont answer in haste
are you worthy of what will be bestowed upon you
will you be able to see it when it comes
see it smell it feel it
or will you miss it
wrapped up in your daily life which you think means something
are you worthy of what will be soon bestowed upon you
open your eyes
heighten your senses
be ready my lady
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Cult meetings vary in size, timing and purpose. Some of what Kelly described happened in private settings, where she was raped repeatedly by one or several men rather than at a full cult meeting. The purpose was mainly sadistic, but sometimes Kelly was also conditioned via a hypnotic tape of Marta's voice in the background. Kelly did not make money from sleeping with men and did not generally know that was a part of it. Daisy said Marta took money from the men for what they did to Kelly. Drugs, pornography, rape and sadism seem to be the glue binding much of it together, but some people in the cult surely believe in the cult philosophy and practices. I do not think the main reason for these practices is to cover for paedophilic groups, but it is relevant for filming the sadism, both to sell onwards, and to blackmail people to keep them in line. It could be that there was a kind of tourism industry, with people travelling to this Hicktown to attend on an occasional basis.
Strong beliefs, rituals and intense activity can change how we experience things and hence our reality. Sometimes I wondered whether the cult managed to heal people like Kelly when she literally seemed at death's door. Otherwise they would not have a good enough survival rate! At some level, in the cold light of day, some people sat and made strategic decisions for others to implement - to order, because I doubt they had any kind of choice.
No-one has to believe any of this. Not all of these things happen to people involved in ‘satanic’ or other cult ritual activity. But if some of the words, phrases or concepts, or sheer incredibility latch onto your curiosity or to something meaningful, that is what ‘the Book’ is meant for:
* To de-mystify the otherwise unbelievable
* To show these things can happen
* That they are basically an extension of other aspects of human behaviour, however inhuman, crass, ridiculous, stupid, unnecessary, it may all seem
* It could happen to people close to us
*If we don't listen, we won't hear
In many cultures there are practices and beliefs that people outside those cultures write off as different or irrelevant for themselves. Recent TV programmes have shown how strongly people believe in ideologies and get drawn into practices that, in another frame of mind, they consider stupid or damaging. For some reason/s humans often have an need to believe in something, or for various types of ritual, mundane or otherwise. Or there is a need to deny what is strange, incomprehensible or abhorrent. We all have different mind-sets, and polarisation or splitting happen all too easily.
If some part of what I say makes sense to one person trying to help, or one person who has been through any of this, that is well and good. If I could fabricate and it hold together, over the years or just this number of pages, I would be cleverer than I am. That is its strength. Fabrication is not my strong suit. Persistence is.
Alongside books and websites dealing with cult-like behaviour, social psychology, anthropology and religion, I looked at profiling of violent and sadistic behaviours. The writings of Lacan and Melanie Klein could be useful. Perhaps we are looking at splitting, idealisation and denigration/demonisation, intertwined with complex behavioural conditioning. It might be worth looking at psychodynamics of the Mafia or extremists where people can be family-oriented, caring and religious, as well as aggressive and destructive.
People working in organisations often find themselves in a system with threads or themes around a collective reality. The scene is not just staged by management or leaders, although they are often the ones setting the tone. There tend to be other key players with a strong influence on processes. Organisations can have their own neuroses, defences and denials.
Make of any of this what you will, and please be careful. You are free to use what is useful. Just discard the rest.
I am the scribe of ‘The Book’
Some further thoughts follow
End Times Prophecy
Throughout interactions with Kelly, there were references to the Bible and ‘end times prophecies’ such as appear in the Book of Revelations. I am no expert, though am aware that many cults use strategy to make something appear a strong reality or the only one, in order to gain and maintain control over members.
‘Listen, lady’ the original robot alter said. ‘Don’t you know the world is coming to an end.’
‘So what if it is? That’s no reason to do things to Kelly and others’ I'd replied.
Sometimes I was told there were viruses that would wipe out humanity, apart from a chosen few involved in these ‘satanic’ practices. That is a common theme in plenty of cults and belief systems, carried to extremes here. I was told the cult would have 'ultimate protection' through their activities. ‘You have no chance of surviving. We do. We will be the only ones who are left’ he replied with a row of LOL’s before disappearing off screen.
Kelly went through a brief period of seeking peace in a church organisation, but generally felt uncomfortable in such a setting. Many cult members feel the same, but others seem at ease within conventional churches, as well as within a more ‘satanic’ environment. ‘The Book’ does indeed involve abuse within that ‘satanic’ environment: The concept of ‘demons’ or ‘devils’ entered the arena, whatever one considers those to be in a general or specific context. The demonic alters I came in contact with regarding Kelly were not like some I encountered with other survivors of ‘satanic’ cult ritual abuse. I believe that much of what Kelly experienced as the devil or demons was likely to be high drama, with someone dressed up to act the part of the Devil or Death (as in the Tarot), as well as alters conditioned to behave like demons. But I am not saying demons cannot exist somehow either.
Another factor in ‘satanic’ cult ritual abuse and many cults more generally, appeared to be the establishment and maintenance of social status and status quo for cult members. Here I will point out something which puzzled me in the early days about Kelly’s cult membership. I used to think someone like Kelly who was part of a cult, would have some belief system which she could explain and we could perhaps discuss. It turned out that there are apparently two main types of cult member there: Those ‘with rank’ who hold some cult position and are involved in some decision-making and control, and ‘members’ which included people such as Kelly, 'without rank’ and existing for the benefit of the cult. Other people can shed more light on this, but 'The Stepford Wives’ film comes to mind, the relatively normal life of those within it when engaging in daily life, and what goes on behind the scenes, the reality.
My notion of free will and the cult’s were totally different. One reason I stayed backing Kelly to the degree I did, was I saw no way that she was allowed any. But why do they go to such extreme lengths? Surely no-one is daft enough to spend so much time and effort for no reason, at least something they believe in. I wanted to know what that belief was.
At times Kelly was almost allowed to leave the cult, but was brought back into the fold as if needed for some reason, or someone higher up the chain insisted the cult not allow it. There was a theme of ‘You shall not talk about the cult and live’. Some do. Many therapist and survivor accounts demonstrate that. It's a mystery how Kelly was allowed to survive and remain in contact with me as she was, and it could be she was an extra body, or she performed some role. They seemed to require many people for certain rituals or orgies. Perhaps the vibration or note of each person present was needed. Perhaps they just needed a crowd of energies, aroused by drink and drugs, drumming and drama, to feed their strongly addictive behaviour.
Is it simply part of human nature gone wild, or behaving like animal groups with some clearly dominant individuals, some striving to be dominant, some not strong enough, able or willing to change the status quo? Could this be what this cult ritual abuse thing was about, to ensure the survival in an advantaged (rather than disadvantaged) state, of some of the fittest or most devious, acting as a group or network over and above the rest? Will humans always be like this in their workplaces, homes or communities, with supremacist words and behaviours thinly disguised by social veneer and compromise? Is it a covert system, taking the place of overt, warrior-like behaviours? Perhaps this is why we largely deny it to ourselves and others, presuming that we know reality for what it is, in order to feel more comfortable.
Kelly was offered only two choices on something, both unacceptable or nonsensical, and she felt split up the middle. She would be scared half to death, linking with prior conditioning that she must go somewhere or do something. It would make no sense unless we glimpse the backdrop, and become aware of a multitude of horrors that would drive most of us crazy. Kelly was resourceful given half a chance. If someone else holds the reins, how far can one get in any other direction? I believe this is what cults of this type and many others are about. Some relationships follow this pattern to some extent. Some have beneficial aspects, and some not. Make your choices if you can!
Kelly and I got into a situation during later MSN chats, where she harangued me as if blaming me for how bad things were within the cult, and the control exerted. Previously she said things had always been like that, and it was immaterial if they continued. Difficulties between us seemed to escalate, where I sensed she was still experiencing harassment from the cult though did not mention it.
After one session, I emailed Kelly with twelve points which came to mind, including the deal that, if anything happened to her, I would write something. Whenever Kelly seriously thought her life was about to end through threats, or because it was all too much, she reminded me to write ‘the Book’. Nothing has been added or substantially altered. Much has been omitted. I did not get things right all the time, but Kelly and I thought alike sufficiently to bridge inevitable gaps. Sometimes the boat gets rocked, or things jar or even shatter. One needs to stay around in order to limit the effects where possible, and be ready to take things on.
I believed it to be in someone’s interests to prevent Kelly talking to anyone like myself, and ensure she is regarded as too mentally ill to make sense. They, including Marta, tried to break Kelly’s mind in pieces, and make her say ‘I can’t do this any more’. The wonder is that Kelly held out so long. In one of Marta's personal emails, she said I could choose to work with her regarding Kelly or against. Thanks for the option, Marta. Kelly did not have one.
Themes and Underlay
Whatever we think about the purpose of life in general, or of our own lives, it helps to feel there is some reason or meaning, something that makes sense or gives a reason. We have a notion of reality which works for us and our community, though it may not work for others.
A common theme in fairy tales is for people to be given the chance of a wish, with a price to pay. Something said to me stuck in my mind: For everything we do, there is a price, whether it is because of doing something, or not. We carry out decisions or actions and move on in our own fashion. Aesop’s Fables have a moral of the story, and literary censorship required baddies to suffer. Much of that is eroded. People are fascinated by the tale of Faust who gave up his soul and autonomy in exchange for rewards and safeguards. A price to pay indeed.
Many of us watch films about the darker side of human nature, reality TV, soaps, self-revelations, without getting involved in those acts, perhaps as a release valve. We may sympathise while distancing ourselves, compartmentalising our attitudes, filing some away. Dissociation can work for all of us. Some people use it to help their own mental functioning. Some use it in others in order to maintain control over them. Kelly said that her filing system was broken. Is that what someone wanted?
We are all mortal, feeling physical or emotional pain or insecurity about losing home, income or loved ones. Supportive families or a good community spirit reinforce us. We may believe we live in an ethical universe, making recompense for our actions in this lifetime or a future one, or we believe we should act decently anyway toward others, perhaps fearing what they might do if we don't!
Kelly made what she believed were vows and signed contracts for the sake of others' welfare, saying she signed away part of her soul. She had darker parts, but Daisy said there was white light protection, and evil could not really touch her. Another alter said Kelly chose a path of resistance, and perhaps that is where I came in as back-up. We often came online at unscheduled times. My computer crashed when Marta came online. Sometimes emails between Kelly and myself did not get through when they should, or they sailed through in an emergency. Kelly sometimes voiced interest in increasing her psychic powers. Many people see them as a commodity or means to an end, and the price can be extreme. Was this what drew her or some alters in? With an air of great secrecy I was given the title of a book. I read it, but for the life of me cannot see the relevance.
It is my belief that some people in her area joined together for psychological and cultural convenience, believing that cult practices would gain business contacts, powers and supremacy. Group minds, thoughtforms and egregores may come in, forming naturally or by design, manipulated by those with knowledge and intent. Whatever we believe about angels, demons, rituals and powers, it is what these people do that affects others. Kelly said the eyes of cult members changed colour, and when black it was as if nothing human was there. This is not meant to be alarmist or to worry anyone but other people mention this. It 's like the dark side of shamanism or Voodoo. Just because we do not believe or experience it, does not mean it is impossible or cannot be experienced. We take in situational cues, and people in rituals put themselves in a setting and frame of mind, an altered or alter state, where other things may be able to enter the equation.
None of us wants to be bottom of the pile in work, social or psychological terms It seems we go to extreme lengths to offset that to maintain some obscure differential. A disturbing trend is when people group together against someone who stands out through being older, weaker, on their own or different. People join something to lessen risks as though giving themselves insurance or guarantees. The group sinks to a low common denominator, doing things because they can: more strong, more benefits, less risk. As I write, a newspaper reports on a woman with deformed fingers, whose co-workers coerced her to a bowls match and then ridiculed her. What have we come to? This is playground behaviour at its worst. Children often behave better towards less fortunate peers, accepting them as they are and including them.
What you or I do is our individual and collective responsibility. People around Kelly seemed to think they were immune. There was a social structure to maintain control. When Kelly was doing her utmost to distance herself from the cult and needed something, she told me she only knew cult firms. ‘Look in the trade directories and pick one,’ I suggested. On that occasion it worked. Several times Kelly pawned items because she needed cash, or they triggered her. They were returned to her home soon afterwards whereas she had no money to retrieve them.
Most of Kelly’s employment seemed to be arranged via the cult, leaving her accessible on cult days. Kelly searched for a counsellor locally, only to be blocked as each one withdrew after a phone call not to get involved. She sought legal advice from people who said she had a valid case, and then that they could not act. Kelly persevered, writing statements left with a lawyer, and blurting out things when overwhelmed. Stacked against her was insidious innuendo to make her appear psychotic and unbelievable.
Kelly used literal thinking which sometimes bore fruit against the cult. However it could turn in on itself and render her paralysed. If I showed what was happening, she often saw it quickly and worked to offset it. Other times she was forestalled. We have shown some of the insidious web around her. Sometimes she or Nolly would say ‘We have always gone through this and it won’t change.’ The robot told me during his moments of truth that the cult philosophy and practices were all about control. When I asked how all these cult people managed to co-operate, he said it was their need for drugs and money. He claimed to believe in end times prophecy (see further up on this page), that they were going to be the only people to survive due to their ultimate protection.
Someone described to me his experiences of an occult group who used controlling tactics with aspects of his functioning. I asked if this applied to control freaks as in the business world, and he gave an unreserved Yes, saying it gave them physical/psychic prowess, like a money rake-off or a buzz. This ties in with what others say, from the side of the oppressed, and the oppressors: to fuel their addictive and controlling behaviour.
You can read the work of B.F. Skinner to see how conditions can be manipulated to achieve certain behaviours in a mundane sense. There is literature on how groups and cults induce beliefs and behaviours. In business the emphasis is on leadership and teamwork. To get people to toe the line or go that extra mile, you just make them believe in it. If they're reluctant make it clear there are no rewards, only punishments. It gives you a buzz, makes you feel in control, and keeps those 'without rank' with none.
The trick is to get people not to realise what is going on, to dupe them into thinking they are helpless, or that things are normal, or nothing is wrong except them, or they have some control when they do not. Kelly thought she was psychotic and helpless. Perhaps sometimes people or their circumstances cannot be changed, but it is surely worth a try to do something about what lies behind: The principles can help others. Kelly is not the only one. One is too many.
Principles which can be used to control others can also be used to undo control
A Singular Thread
Kelly and I lost touch for about two years. She had formed a relationship that was more stable than others of late, more equal though with her having less power and control than her partner.
Daisy the 5-year old wrote to me. She was a young protector who was not really a Little alter. She came to the fore when something needed attention, and now said someone knocked at the door in the evening, and later would say she got hurt. I replied to her not to open the door, and sometimes we were online when she managed not to go out. Nolly the interpretor said Daisy was just fearful and should not have approached me, as I was too far away to stop anything happening.
Do those statements sound as if Daisy was making all of it up? Why had Daisy contacted me after all this time? At first I was not too concerned about the cult returning, as Kelly was busy with her family and the new relationship, and was simply not alone much. I had correspondence with Kelly and also Caitlin the host, but neither mentioned anything untoward. Then I realised neither was around. 'Where are Kelly and Caitlin?' I asked Daisy. 'They gone agin aunti, scard' came her reply.
Others wrote who did not give names, referring to being hurt in the past and again now. A thread ran through, and a new robot messed with Daisy's emails to make it look as though I was blocking her. There was a new therapist talking about cults and DID being fabrications, and this reassured Caitlin. I let it ride while having concerns. Nolly returned having previously refused to help, saying there was now confusion over which things had really happened. The new robot said the therapy was really great because it confused them! Others told me to back off, if they wanted to go out and get hurt it was nothing to do with me.
I wondered why alters in the system seemed jangled after therapy sessions. Therapy is no easy ride for people, but this therapist pushed her own views, and was going against Kelly or Caitlin's natural ways of dealing with things or helping themselves, and they were hardly around. Whatever they said or did was criticised or ignored by the therapist. Daisy talked to the therapist about people who came to the door and hurt her, but was told she had to answer the door. Some well-meaning people whom Kelly or Daisy confided in thought Daisy was reacting to events from the past, and so was just fearful that things might happen now.
Nolly asked for my help in getting Kelly or Caitlin to return, and I said that no-one could expect them to as things were, and I would not ask. But Kelly returned suddenly for another reason. Things were disjointed, and she was unaware at that stage of the door knocking and her getting hurt as a result. Kelly grasped some of the things mentioned by the unknown alters which I had not mentioned, and she had immediate concerns over the therapy.
How could anyone like Kelly cope and make decisions if all the while she was:
a) Being hurt, often without conscious awareness of how, when and by whom
b) Undermined by a therapist who
i) was basically inept, or
ii) did not realise the implications of what was said, or
iii) did realise, but had an agenda to minimise it
iv) had prior dealings with Kelly during which she'd spoken to some of her alters, yet now claimed to be naive about dissociation
v) said MPD or DID were not a real phenomenon
vi) said cults were a fiction, implying that nothing like that could have happened in the past
vii) said no-one could hurt them now, they were just fearful from the past (What past if nothing had happened?)
viii) insisted Daisy must answer the door when people came knocking at night
ix) said Daisy should be conditioned out of existence, while claiming to realise she had a protective role
x) denied Daisy and Kelly's reality of distress, bruises and cuts (Explained away as their 'illness' or self-harm)
xi) used Daisy's needs to keep her present throughout sessions using bribes, threats and play
xii) discouraged adult alters from speaking up
xiii) discouraged any signs of independence or wishing to cope
xiv) said Kelly would not manage without therapy from her, and that no-one else would be willing to see her as a client
If this therapist wanted Kelly to lead a happier and more productive life, and really was naive over unpleasant material demonstrating this was no ordinary situation, I'd have expected her to have second thoughts about how complex or hazardous it might be for herself and her practice. Instead, she made inconsistent rules about things she would handle, or that Kelly should do. She said they were lucky to see her because no-one else would, and they needed to see her longterm. It already was longterm. See more on Astonishing 'Therapy' and Fruitloop Therapy, as well as How Some of it is Achieved.
How many other vulnerable people, women particularly, were subject to dubious therapy like this, in an environment that purported to be safe? Or to the dangerous imposed lifestyle? By how many perpetrators? Would anything make a difference? Awareness will.
I tried to make contact with whoever in Kelly's system made crucial decisions, and on what basis of belief. A couple of alters triumphantly blurted out the places where the cult held meetings, with a cryptic list of what happened there. I continued efforts to learn about group behaviours and beliefs, looking into some Jungian ideas. Others had written about societal complexes and inter-group conflicts, raising themes in my mind of what is cultural and what is a cult. This helped gain some insight into extreme sadistic aspects, and was the closest I could find.
In a major exchange of emails with Nolly, I mentioned Mafia males who can be dangerous and violent, yet return home as caring family men, sometimes also being very religious. It was a longshot as she and Kelly liked to be specific, and analogies did not sit well. But her reply came: 'Yes, think of people like your bank manager. It could be him at the cult hurting women.'
Kelly quickly picked up the reins on her return, leaving some things to Daisy or other alters. She said she did not choose this path and does not know how it happened. From other things that occurred, my guess is that someone stronger formed a bond, inveigling their way in to control parts of the system. We may never know what the real motives of some individuals or groups are, and how they evolve.
There could be reasons for someone like Kelly to choose a path of suffering, though we may not understand them. Perhaps it is to retain some kernel of truth throughout, leaving a part that cannot be damaged. Kelly knew who wanted her destroyed. What was as yet missing, was Why? Kelly did not believe in vendetta. Was she a part of someone else's?
We need a way of handling things which allows people's integrity to remain, even as feelings run high around them about reality, about what is thought to have happened. About what seems likely or unlikely. About what seems so incredible that we simply do not credit it.
We need people to improve, not to become worse through any approach, our current attitudes to mental health, what causes problems or things to go wrong, what is the best way for people to find improvement, or what is potentially damaging. Something that may suit persons A, B or C might feel worse for X, Y or Z.
We need to know more about abusive behaviours, and inequalities in areas that keep some people vulnerable. The most vulnerable tend to be further abused, put upon, ignored, or further confused. Kelly knew it was happening to others in her area, and some people who knew her a long time were aware in some sense of her situation, and about some of the people involved. It was a strange co-existence.
There is controversy over allegations of child abuse, and also over ritual abuse, and how traumatic events are stored or processed. I don't think we have some of it right. Some therapists encourage people to believe that things have happened, while others deny any such thing could have done. Some take a middle ground that the person believes it, though not everything happened in exactly that way because memories are not a precise record.
We cannot keep generalising, underplaying or over-extrapolating, causing further damage and distress. Where are people to go, whose inner reality and parts have been distorted or damaged by abusive families, by the people they mix with, by someone with a motive to distort others' lives and being? Or who wants to prove themselves a bees-knees therapist with bee-in-bonnet theories - but never mind the consequences?
Some details have been omitted, not because they are unimportant but they are too awful. There are other aspects not disclosed at this time. There is some mechanism - perhaps like osmosis, whereby information spreads and people grow to feel that similar things happened to them. They may have done, and may come to light because of reading about them. There is a possibility that things did not happen to them in quite the same way, but they latch onto something deep inside. People who suffered abuse are already damaged, so any further abuse naturally makes things worse for them.
If people describe their own experiences which closely match things Kelly said but are not in 'the Book', it may demonstrate something. We have not talked about this material to others. Everyone has their own way of viewing what happens and why. Some of this was my work-in-progress thinking which changed and hopefully broadened. Much has been excluded so as not to become an unreadable saga infringing the privacy and safety of those involved, including some perpetrators and their families. Perhaps the whole phenomenon is about infringement of others' boundaries:
a) without their realising, or being able to do much about it
b) without other people knowing, or being able to do much about it
c) whether those boundaries or scars are mental ones, or physical
In exasperation I sometimes felt like saying to Kelly 'It's your life and I can't lead it for you'. But other people were leading her life. This happens in relatively small ways in people's ordinary lives. How could it get as bad as this though?
Kelly's purpose was to help others caught up in things, I believe by sacrificing parts of her own being. My purpose is to put this across to you, and to add, Please think, because a thread runs through: A Singular Thread which links to a great deal more.
Are You the Therapy Police?
Kelly had little idea about her therapy sessions but felt something was wrong and not in her interests. She was paying for what she called a neat trick, but was currently powerless to change anything. I knew how competently she handled other situations, and was certain she would not go along with this if she could avoid it.
Surely this whole performance, the rituals and abuse, exacerbated by confusion on the part of a therapist, is not simply for the benefit of one person. The question about therapy police came from one of Kelly's newer alters - to me, as I tried to suss out what happened during therapy and how. What I heard was bizarre and disturbing as the thread grew ever more tangled. See Astonishing 'Therapy' and Fruitloop Therapy for more on this aspect.
The notion of therapy policing, or some form of therapy monitoring, could be a viable step bringing us into the arena of state regulation for therapy and counselling, about which I don't have strong views either way. Good help is good help however it arises. Bad therapy is bad news, whether carried out by people sanctioned to do it or not. What is outlined here is clearcut in some respects. Often it is not so clear, with therapists implying that they know a lot more than their clients, putting across a coping persona, set in an environment designed to enhance their image. These are all well and good if they work in a positive way, and clients gain from the stability and containment until they are better able to move on.
Ordinary people too need to think carefully about the help on offer.
Those undergoing therapy should be ready, willing and able to step away if need be, without feeling that they failed
For their own sanity and integrity
For their wellbeing and their wallets
And for those connected to them
Therapists should be ready to step away too if need be, without feeling they have somehow failed
A book may include only a couple of paragraphs of relevance to you, but can be well worth it. A little moral support from one other person goes a long way to change the dynamics of an individual's life. Groups are strange creatures, and can be turned around for better rather than for worse. Perhaps it needs just one person to give moral support, for someone else to feel able to speak out or to stand for or against something.
Hanging by a Thread
There are many issues and nothing is concrete. All I can tell you is I had concerns about this therapist, which grew as people in the system explained more. It appeared she accessed parts of the system telling them to harm ‘the body’, or to stop writing to me. It was like the old days of Marta hypnotising them, saying that I was away on vacation when I wasn’t, or that I had said something, or just anything she thought would cause a breach.
Although Kelly had concerns about the current therapist, it was as if those concerns went down a blackhole as she pleaded for extra appointments. It was like a firewall had been placed in her mind. Now she was suicidal and adamant over her plans to end things. She asked if I really would write ‘the Book’.
‘We had a deal’ I replied. ‘If anything happens to you I will write it. But you don’t have to go along with it. You can put in what you want to.’
‘Stop lying to her, it does not become you’ wrote Nolly, angry at me. I asked about recent events but she was vitriolic, saying she would answer when I told the truth. I pointed out the greater issue that there was imminent danger of there being no Kelly or anyone. If Kelly saw her therapist and it all came to an end, I would carry out our deal because I believed in the principles and in Kelly.
Nolly kept on like clockwork, still angry that I did not think it suitable for the host Caitlin to return, as it would probably all be too much, a view supported by Kelly who thought Caitlin ‘would end it all right now’. Normally I am not comfortable with encouraging or discouraging who is there. How would I know what is best for the circumstances around them?
Kelly seemed unable to see the dangers and would therefore not be able to avoid getting drawn in, but it was still an open book. Someone thought they knew what would happen but we had all been there before.
‘They have won. They have isolated me from everyone I know. I have a couple of things to arrange, then you won’t hear from me again. I’d like to thank you for your help’ wrote Kelly. ‘I will go to see the therapist, so she can bring all this to an end. She will take care of it.’
‘What happened?’ I asked, struggling to keep up in the middle of the night on my Kindle.
There was a major family crisis, on top of a whole series the last five days. Robot had called me a loser, gloating that I would not stop them getting hurt now. Daisy surfaced two days later, dizzy and covered in cuts and bruises. Kelly returned saying she looked and felt like she’d been attacked. Others in the system filled in, some of it hazy, some clear and daunting.
Daisy said a few mornings later ‘Wot if that door knock aunti? Me scard.’ I said it was not dark and things would probably be OK. She was naturally scared after the last bad episode and we kept chatting. Daisy had taken pills and wanted to end it all. She was already sleepy, and Kelly had some things to do concerning family.
‘Daisy is trying to tell you the door has been knocking for the past 20 minutes’ wrote the translator. ‘And there are disturbing emails coming here.’ Messages from Kelly's end were not reaching me in sequence. I learned someone was knocking on their door, with a vehicle Daisy half-recognised parked outside.
Strange emails arrived for me, making me wonder if someone was in their house reading our exchanges, telling Daisy what to say or pretending to be her, something that happened before concerning Kelly. It seemed more likely there was a computer in the vehicle and my messages to Daisy were being relayed or picked up on Wi-Fi.
On impulse I changed the various email headers going back along the lines of:
‘Whose is the van outside?’
‘Is someone there with you writing emails?’
‘Did your therapist tell you to take pills?’
‘If you take pills that is what she wants’
‘Hi’ wrote Kelly and I knew it was her. If anyone else had been spooked by what I wrote, both they and their distinctive vehicle were gone. Why do they drive distinctive vehicles?
‘I feel as if I’m hanging by a thread’ wrote Kelly. ‘Will there be a book if I don’t die?’ I said she could stay and write, and also explain to me what its purpose should be.
‘It is for people who get into trouble, and to help them see the light’ came her reply. I emailed her the original writing she did some years back, showing real writing flair, and it gave her a boost.
‘That was a good plan, she is very fragile’ wrote a newer alter I refer to as Commas as she originally sent just rows of commas and dots. I asked who encouraged the pill-taking, and who would be opposed to Kelly or myself writing. ‘Triangles’ came the prompt reply to both queries.
These were a recent introduction on the scene. Kelly knew nothing about them. Daisy did and they scared her. Before her recent disappearance, Caitlin the host had been aware of Daisy speaking of them. Triangles were somehow involved in Daisy getting hurt, and in reporting things back to the cult. I had seen pictures of triangular demons and thought those were scary enough.
Commas and others wrote guarded emails about events hinting that they could not say more. ‘You know why that is’ they said, though I did not fully understand. Eventually someone I call Elicit said the therapist evoked the wrong sorts of people, eliciting certain behaviours, and that she mentioned talking to the Triangles.
As emails zinged back and forth between Kelly and myself she sometimes said ‘People are yelling in my ear that you don’t mean that’. It was a wonder we got anywhere but we'd known each other a long time. It greatly saddened me that Kelly knew things at one level and grasped things intuitively, yet effectively was throwing all of that out while I stood on the sidelines. Kelly was hanging by a thread to some semblance of life and sanity, while things went bad or crazy around her. I wrote an email message of support from my husband. They had not corresponded, but she had a natural respect for his occasional views. ‘Does your husband have any advice on this please?’ she would ask, knowing I was no expert.
‘What husband?’ wrote Commas and I explained. She had answered the message I sent specifically for Kelly. I asked if Commas could somehow filter emails, because it could be useful if Kelly was being sent threatening emails. After some exchanges Commas said ‘I will show her your email’.
There was now an added blip in that Kelly did not receive it. Everything that morning came in from Commas. I was effectively blocked from sending Kelly a short message of support to cheer her up, probably more than anything else I could offer. Was it another case of a ‘protector’ to 'controller-gone-crazy'? Time would tell and it often took just a week or two.
Something disturbed me a couple of nights earlier when we were discussing the therapist. ‘I guess Kelly will run to that therapist in little pieces to get put back together again,’ said Commas. Fraught from repeatedly explaining the unsuitability of the therapist, I replied ‘I have been trying to explain that the last thing Kelly is likely to get there, is that the pieces get put together’. Later came a cryptic reply ‘But I was being sarcastic.’
I fare better without smart replies at 3 o’clock in the morning from someone with a seemingly straight role. However, Commas was working on lessening the pill-taking, and prevented Kelly from attending a summons to an extra therapy appointment.
Not everyone has these things happen. If some of them happen to you, Kelly hopes these pages are helpful. There is more general information on the Middleground Mediation site, with reading lists in the Books section.
Most Singular Evil
More on the nature of this cult and what appeared to be driving it, can be found in the Addendum
These are the reasons Kelly and I have written and distributed ‘the Book’ in this form. You may choose to read it or not, to believe any of it or not. Many small parts make up a picture. The picture is different for us all. I have been the scribe here because I believe it is important to convey some things I became aware of. I don’t believe I got all of them wrong.
The reader must choose where to draw the boundary on anything - here or elsewhere
It is about choice and boundaries: Don't let other people erode them -
Or Con you into thinking they are different from what you feel is right